Remember how all those pop stars started changing their profile photos to a lovely shade of cerulean last night in order to announce the launch of TIDAL, that new streaming service that doesn’t seem to do anything different at all compared to Spotify or Beats?
And then we all thoughtfully debated the advantage of an artist-owned streaming service, royalties and the very future of the music industry itself?
Well, throw your thinkin’ caps right out the window, because this shit is officially B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
What I expected from the TIDAL press conference? I don’t know. An illuminating discussion regarding how the new service differs even slightly to the combination of Spotify, Beats, YouTube and iTunes Radio that we already have in the market, maybe?
What we got instead? A parade of about two dozen famous multimillionaires smiling nervously while Alicia Keys delivered a rambling, enthusiastic speech about how good music is.
“MUSIC IS MUSIC!”
Here is, roughly, what I remember from that great speech:
Did you know? Music is great. It’s so great! Seriously, it is. Do you enjoy music? That’s so weird, because same. I love music. These people love music. And because we love music, we’re giving you music. Because we love the music that we’re giving you! You care about the music. We care about the music. Everyone cares about music. TIDAL! Is! Music! TIDAL! TIDAL! TIDAL! TIDAL!
That’s just some paraphrasing of course, but I think I mostly got it.
Seriously, everyone who is everyone was there: Kanye West! Beyoncé! Beyoncé’s husband!
And The Holy Illuminati Trio: Madonna, Nicki Minaj and High Priestess Rihanna!
They were all like…
“Do y’all see this space robot to my right? I’m too afraid to look.”
Together, they began signing a document in the middle of the stage. To, like, co-own the service, or something? Something about a New World Order? I can’t remember all of the details now, but Yoncé looked so fucking stunning while sacrificing that goat and drinking its blood.
So! Everyone signed their blood oath to Satan promising to carry out his wishes on Earth from deep within the bowels of Hell until his eventual return to suck our souls out through our nostrils.
Here’s Rih lookin’ cute while doing so!
“Bitch better have my money. #PhuckYoSpotify”
And then it was time for Madge to sign.
Now, Madonna doesn’t do anything like anybody else, ever. We know this. As a result, it wasn’t exactly a surprise to watch her forego formalities and #UnapologeticallyStraddle that table like a glistening barely legal twink named Justin Bieber, scribbling her #RebelInk all over that glorious Illuminati Declaration Of Independence.
“Taylor Swift is my guitar player. Yeezus loves my pussy best. Hashtag. Bitch, I’m Madonna.”
And with that one single move, Madonna effectively stole the entire live stream by signing a piece of fucking paper. Queen. Forever. Seriously.
Nearly as good as the straddle? RiRi’s Rih-action to Madge’s stunt. She was all like…
“AAHHHHHH! BITCH, YOU DID NAHT! I CAN’T!!!”
And then it was all over.
We learned nothing new about TIDAL, except that we love music. I didn’t know that I loved music, but now I do! And TIDAL loves music, so I love TIDAL.
Also, our souls will soon belong to Satan, whose birth name is Kris Jenner.
TIDAL! TIDAL! TIDAL! STREAMING! SATAN! BLOOD! KARDASHIAN! FURKINI!
!!THE REVOLUTION BEGINS!!