The rumors were true. The hype was real. The fandom was right: “Apple Pie,” the lead single from The Legendary Miss Britney Spears‘ long-awaited tenth studio album is finally here tonight, along with the announcement of a global tour kicking off in 2019 – wait, fuck, oops. Let me log out of my fan-fiction Xanga.
One second. Hang on.
Okay. Sorry, actual news: B’s back in Vegas, y’all.
Yes! As entirely shocking as that news may be to fans suffering from extreme denial, despite a full year of Britney’s-definitely-returning-to-Vegas articles coming out from the Las Vegas press, she’s…right back in Vegas.
Upon making a shockingly needless Announcement Of The Great Announcement of 2018 on The Ellen DeGeneres Show one week ago, Britney revealed that she is indeed returning to Las Vegas with a new residency at the Park MGM, called One More Time. Wait, sorry, no – that was my fan Xanga again.
It’s called Domination. #SomethingMoreBDSM, if you will.
But back to The Great Announcement, which will go down in history as one of the greatest to have ever been announced.
What would a Britney Spears Las Vegas Residency be without a fittingly legendary kick-off, like the nausea-filled Desert Spectacle in the early mornin’ of 2013? Surely nothing could be more awkward or embarrassing or poorly planned, right?
Well, damn it if Team Britney didn’t try their absolute best.
The Great Announcement kicked off with Ellen’s latest favorite Internet meme Kalen Allen, who would be hosting The Announcement.
There would be so many things coming up during this Announcement: a parade! A stage! Britney Jean Spears! He’s so excited. We’re so excited. Because it’s everything, this announcement – it’s going to be everything.
…So without further ado, let’s kick it over to The Plaza!
We’re at The Plaza! There’s…absolutely nothing happening at The Plaza.
Lights are flashing. Fans are looking around. Some are checking their phones. Rihanna is playing.
And that’s when it became painfully, terrifyingly clear: nothing would happen at the Plaza for the next five minutes.
In an effort to fill the dead space, growing painful, stretching on for minutes – or is it hours, or even days? Who can know for sure at this point? – Kalen begins sputtering about her “bops,” doing what most Internet Personalities do in a pinch, reverting to increasingly panicked stan-speak about Britney’s icon status.
His voice grows more frantic. He’s looking around, all but mouthing the word “help.” He twirls around for assistance from the oblivious shrieking “fans” behind him. “RIGHT?! SHE DANCES?! RIGHT, GUYS?!”
AND THEN, THE PARADE.
In what can only be described as a Ryan Murphy fever dream, dozens of dazed looking randoms descend onto the streets of the Strip, zombie style, slowly staggering forth while waving flags (for what?) behind a handful of lit-up trucks blaring a fanmade megamix from YouTube.
More nothingness. Kalen is full-out panicking. Crowd reaction shots. Chaotic nothingness. Also, hey, have you registered to vote yet?
AT LAST. At merciful last. HUMAN CONTACT.
Just when one could not take it, take no more (REFERENCE), after 18 minutes of pure unrelenting terror, as the poorly mixed versions of Britney’s classic tracks fade in and out erratically, Mario Lopez arrives to the stage.
Poor, sweet Mario. He has no idea why he’s there. We sure don’t.
“We are here…to welcome the new Queen of Vegas!” he vaguely announces to mostly silence. He looks around, behind him, and sadly wanders away. He has done his best.
Then, there’s this! A really pleasant projection against the casino, providing cute nods to Britney’s discography up to about, like, Femme Fatale or something – a “…Baby” locker, The Legendary Miss Banana The Snake, a circus tent. Okay! Alright! This is how The Great Announcement should have started. But, you know, whatever.
Oh my God – and here’s something new!
It’s…! Wait, what the hell does that say? Woman Nation? It doesn’t matter! She’s coming here, right now, to tell us!
AND HERE SHE IS: THE ONE AND ONLY…MISS! BRITNEY! SPEARS!
HERE IT COMES! THE GREAT ANNOUNCEMENT OF 2018!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, okay! She’s walking down the stairs first. On her way to The Great Announcement!
But first, she stops to graciously thank Kalen for his efforts – he’s braver than the U.S. Marines for this one! And here she go-o-oes again! On her way to make the big Announcement!
She’s walking…to a microphone, no doubt! To tell us! Of! The Great! Announcement!
Excitedly greeting one to three fans!
And here she — oh, nevermind. She’s in a car. Anddddd she’s gone. She left. Yep. It’s over.
In a shocking turn of events, Kalen is now responsible for delivering The Great Announcement of 2018: “Britney Spears, new Las Vegas residency, Domination, February 2019.” He stands and looks around. Darkness fills the screen. We luxuriate in the nothingness. Silence.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT: THE GREAT ANNOUNCEMENT OF 2018.
Looking back, was it all truly a shitshow of the highest order? Well, yes. An elaborate display just to watch her walk directly into a car and leave is the most appropriate representation of the business of Britney in 2018.
Or, was it actually an experimental, artsy-fartsy display of the boundless fucklessness of the Living Legend, and a middle finger to the impossible heights of stan expectations? Who’s to say? But one thing’s for sure: her team looks dumb as hell for this one, the legacy has been disrespected yet again, and I am definitely still going to this show on opening night. The world’s ending in like 14 years or whatever. Or sooner! Might as well dive even deeper into debt with Britney.
You might be thinking to yourself: Domination? But why? Doesn’t make any sense, does it?
And the answer is: I have no idea. However, we do know whips and chains excite her. She’s always down for a Freakshow. Plus, given that 2019 Oscar contender and Italian Girl from New York City Stefani Germanotta will soon kick off her eerie Enigma show at the same venue, it only makes sense that B-Girl would follow suit with a similarly dark showcase.
Now, let us sit back and watch as Britney stans angrily stew, alternating between “SHE DOESN’T CARE!” to “SHE DOESN’T OWE US ANYTHING!” while holding out hope that Domination is the name of an upcoming album, or even a single, for the next months, trending #BritneyIsComing and barking “WHERE IS B10?” at her daily on Instagram.
Lingering questions: Will Ally, of A Star Is Born, be opening for Britney in Vegas since she’s sharing a stage? Or will the Pussycat Dolls reunite to co-headline, rebranded as the Doll Domination Residency? Is “Apple Pie” your favorite song of 2018? Can you Venmo me some money for this airfare? Can you believe we’re all dragging our sorry asses to Vegas yet again – even after all of this?
I’ll see you there.
Go ahead and watch The Great Announcement of 2018 for yourself below.