Madonna, Please Stop Trying To Save The World For A Minute (Or Four)


It’s official: Madonna is now going well beyond the 4 minutes she was originally allotted with Justin Timberlake to save the world — and this time, Katy Perry is getting involved.

That’s right, the #secretprojectrevolution #artforfreedom #RTforbrazil campaign is still happening in 2014. What is it, exactly? Well, it’s a thing about freedom. And violence. And gays. And Pussy Riot.

Let’s be clear here: I am endlessly appreciative of the fact that Madonna has championed the rights of all oppressed minority groups ever since she first began her career. That’s one of the many reasons why she is the Queen! But let’s also keep it very real: This #secretproject is getting to be a bit…uh, much.

The end goal of the #secretprojectrevolution is to start a #revolutionoflove through #art. But frankly, I still don’t quite understand how curating a bunch of freedom-inspired artwork online (that only diehard Madonna fans will ever bother looking at) will help to do much for the world beyond preaching to the choir — to the tune of “Like A Prayer,” of course.

And enlisting Katy Perry to curate this #art for January? Yes, I know she did “Firework” that one time. But is she really the most inspiring freedom fighter of the bunch? The one that said she’s not a feminist? Sorry to ‘go there,’ but like…you sure ’bout that one, M?

Lady Gaga might be one message board post away from being committed at the moment, but um…that whole ARTPOP thing? At least that would have made a little bit more sense. Plus, no more feuding! After all, 2014 is the year of ending diva duels for Fabulous Lady Empowerment Anthems. Or what about Beyoncé, Queen of Visual Albums? Didn’t she just give Mercy a smooch like a week ago?

A better way to inspire peace and joy throughout the world, I think, would be to just make music. Good music, preferably. It could even have a message — so long as that message sounded more like “Express Yourself” and less like “Hey You.”

To be clear, here now is a list of things that Madonna could do that would be better for the world than a #secretprojectrevolution:

• Release a song.
• Release two songs.
• Release an EP.
• Release an album.
• Release a soundtrack of original music, assuming it does not accompany a film about the Duke and Duchess of Windsor.
• Release a 10th anniversary edition of “Nothing Fails.”
• Release the Blond Ambition Tour on DVD.
• Release a collaboration with Lourdes for her upcoming debut pop album.
• Release a personal, urban duets album with Britney Spears called Ray Of Lightney.
• Release a duet with Kylie Minogue already, for God’s sake.

Any of those will do.

We love you, Madonna. Seriously. NOW TAKE OUT THE GOD DAMN GRILL.

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