Today is October 30, which means itâ€™s time for the ghoulish Halloween X Factor spook-tacular! And oh, how terrifying it was: Damning choir chants from Hell, epilepsy-inducing flashes of lights, Louis Walshâ€™s general existenceâ€”wait, howâ€™s this any different from any other week of the X Factor? Oh right, heavier eyeliner.
To kick off the night, the Beloved Jewel of Ireland, Tesco Mary Byrnes came out in a pair of modest devil horns for a gloriously dramatic, disco-y rendition of the already dramatic, disco-y â€œCould It Be Magic?â€ by Barry Manilow. And all of a sudden, Tesco Mary became even better in my mind: Imagine. Not only is she a Shirley Bassey-like belter, but a true disco diva in the making! The judges all ate it up (although Cheryl said she was expecting something more like â€œI Put A Spell On Youâ€,â€which is exactly what I thought she was going to sing! GET OUT OF MY MIND, CHEZZA) Simon called her a â€œhorny little devil.â€ Naughty. (VIDEO)
Looking a bit Adam Lambert with the eyeliner, broody Aidan Grimshaw delivered a really spooky, really intense version of Michael Jacksonâ€™s â€œThrillerâ€ amongst a graveyard of dancers and mannequins. It worked really wellâ€”at least in the beginning, although it got pretty awkward and quivery in spots toward the end. Cheryl begged him to smile (which he did a few times, though nothing can seem to make that sad boy smile) and Dannii bitched about him not getting enough creditâ€”I agree. I never really realized how hot he was until this week. (VIDEO)
Then came the poor manâ€™s The Saturdays, perhaps better known as Belle Amie. Simon announced that his lady group would be performing â€œa well known girl group song,â€ which is apparently an entirely different concept compared to last weekâ€™s performance of Girls Aloudâ€™s cover of â€œIâ€™ll Stand By You.â€ The group came ambling out of their coffins as train-wreck Brides of Frankensteins to sing Bananaramaâ€™s â€œVenus,â€ sloppily non-harmonizing with each other and remaining generally un-extraordinary. Dannii called them out for being somewhat shit singers and the crowd booed, and then Simon bitched about them not getting enough creditâ€”I agree. I never really realized how dull they were until this week. (VIDEO)
Rebecca Ferguson came next, looking every bit of gothic glamour perfection to perform Chris Isaakâ€™s â€œWicked Game,â€ an amazing selection. Everything about the performance was just PERFECTâ€”chilling vocals, a full set of string players in the background, nice and dark moodiness abound. Delicious. It was probably my favorite performance from her thus far! Louis shot his load all over the performance â€œYouâ€™re perfect! Youâ€™re such a nice person!â€ Simon called her a classy broad and said she reminded him of Leona Lewis (gasp!) and then Cheryl called her the â€œperfect ambassador for Britain.â€ Apparently X Factor duties include forays into global politics as well. (VIDEO)
Treyc Cohen, who became the unexpected other half of the bottom two of the results show last week, revealed that she had a massive panic attack during the results show. Dan Hartman/Take Thatâ€™s â€œRelight My Fire,â€ looking a bit Grace Jones/Lady Gaga with a lovely hooded mini-dress and about a million back-up dancers. The reaction was alright from the judges until Simon turned on the sass and accused Chezza of not paying enough attention to Treyc in order to develop her as a recording artist. â€œYer out of awduh! Yer out uh awduh!â€ Cheryl cried out amidst both boos and cheers, her newly crimson hair glistening under the lamps. Itâ€™s no wonder sheâ€™s caused most of the beauty shops in the UK to sell out of red hair dye. Wait, whatâ€™s going on again? (VIDEO)
Matt Cardle performed Leona Lewis‘ â€œBleeding Love,â€ and it was kind of too fast-paced at first and his mouth was too close to the microphone for most of itâ€”until the second half of the song, in which he unleashed the power in the most awe-inspiring of ways and became objectively amazing. (VIDEO)
Wagner came out to sing Meatloafâ€™s â€œBat Out Of Hellâ€ next, and then I took a bathroom break. (VIDEO)
Paije Richardson performed â€œBack to Blackâ€ by Amy Winehouse. He was once again really, really good (technically speaking), but I got bored and started singing my own version of the song over him after a few seconds, so that was fun for me. Unfortunately, I still don’t care for Paije. Sorry, (VIDEO)
Katie Weasel came to the stage next to perform a twinkle-toed rendition of â€œBewitched.â€ â€œOH GODâ€ I shouted upon seeing her wannabe-Gaga makeup-slathered face swivel around in the egg chair. With each week, my dislike grows stronger. Does she seem really disingenuous to anyone else? I feel like sheâ€™s got a divaâ€™s attitude without a divaâ€™s voice (but rather the voice of a dozen other pop stars that do it better), and the result is something really fake and cloying. (VIDEO)
One Direction sang Bonnie Tylerâ€™s â€œTotal Eclipse of The Heart,â€ complete with subtle traces of fake blood all over their faces that kept making me LOL. It was good, butâ€¦you know. Theyâ€™re little boys. (VIDEO)
And then from the ruins of great suckage before her, the great Lloyd did appear unto the X Factor stage as the final act of the night.
Ohâ€¦my God. Just watch. (VIDEO)
Without a doubt, Lady Lloydâ€™s rendition of Shakespears Sisterâ€™s â€œStayâ€ reigns as the indisputable performance of the night. Dropping the ghetto mamacita shtick for a hot second and whipping her hair up into a nice Elvira poof, Lloyd simply sang the damn thingâ€”and the results were staggeringly amazing. So, so emotional and so, so right. I know how good Lloyd is when she goes hard with her swag, but I absolutely l-o-v-e when she actually sings. The judges all do too, and Simon called it the performance of the season. I agree.
With about five performances under her belt, Cher Lloyd is literally already a better pop star than half of the dire trash-bags stuffing up the radio these days. I cannot believe what Iâ€™ve just witnessedâ€”â€˜tis only the stuff of a pure legend-in-the-making. Nearly cried!
Performance of the Night: Cher
Over 28’s: Mary
Groups: Belle Amie