Today is October 30, which means it’s time for the ghoulish Halloween X Factor spook-tacular! And oh, how terrifying it was: Damning choir chants from Hell, epilepsy-inducing flashes of lights, Louis Walsh’s general existence—wait, how’s this any different from any other week of the X Factor? Oh right, heavier eyeliner.

To kick off the night, the Beloved Jewel of Ireland, Tesco Mary Byrnes came out in a pair of modest devil horns for a gloriously dramatic, disco-y rendition of the already dramatic, disco-y “Could It Be Magic?” by Barry Manilow. And all of a sudden, Tesco Mary became even better in my mind: Imagine. Not only is she a Shirley Bassey-like belter, but a true disco diva in the making! The judges all ate it up (although Cheryl said she was expecting something more like “I Put A Spell On You”,”which is exactly what I thought she was going to sing! GET OUT OF MY MIND, CHEZZA) Simon called her a “horny little devil.” Naughty. (VIDEO)

Looking a bit Adam Lambert with the eyeliner, broody Aidan Grimshaw delivered a really spooky, really intense version of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” amongst a graveyard of dancers and mannequins. It worked really well—at least in the beginning, although it got pretty awkward and quivery in spots toward the end. Cheryl begged him to smile (which he did a few times, though nothing can seem to make that sad boy smile) and Dannii bitched about him not getting enough credit—I agree. I never really realized how hot he was until this week. (VIDEO)

Then came the poor man’s The Saturdays, perhaps better known as Belle Amie. Simon announced that his lady group would be performing “a well known girl group song,” which is apparently an entirely different concept compared to last week’s performance of Girls Aloud’s cover of “I’ll Stand By You.” The group came ambling out of their coffins as train-wreck Brides of Frankensteins to sing Bananarama’s “Venus,” sloppily non-harmonizing with each other and remaining generally un-extraordinary. Dannii called them out for being somewhat shit singers and the crowd booed, and then Simon bitched about them not getting enough credit—I agree. I never really realized how dull they were until this week. (VIDEO)

Rebecca Ferguson came next, looking every bit of gothic glamour perfection to perform Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game,” an amazing selection. Everything about the performance was just PERFECT—chilling vocals, a full set of string players in the background, nice and dark moodiness abound. Delicious. It was probably my favorite performance from her thus far! Louis shot his load all over the performance “You’re perfect! You’re such a nice person!” Simon called her a classy broad and said she reminded him of Leona Lewis (gasp!) and then Cheryl called her the “perfect ambassador for Britain.” Apparently X Factor duties include forays into global politics as well. (VIDEO)

Treyc Cohen, who became the unexpected other half of the bottom two of the results show last week, revealed that she had a massive panic attack during the results show. Dan Hartman/Take That’s “Relight My Fire,” looking a bit Grace Jones/Lady Gaga with a lovely hooded mini-dress and about a million back-up dancers. The reaction was alright from the judges until Simon turned on the sass and accused Chezza of not paying enough attention to Treyc in order to develop her as a recording artist. “Yer out of awduh! Yer out uh awduh!” Cheryl cried out amidst both boos and cheers, her newly crimson hair glistening under the lamps. It’s no wonder she’s caused most of the beauty shops in the UK to sell out of red hair dye. Wait, what’s going on again? (VIDEO)

Matt Cardle performed Leona Lewis‘ “Bleeding Love,” and it was kind of too fast-paced at first and his mouth was too close to the microphone for most of it—until the second half of the song, in which he unleashed the power in the most awe-inspiring of ways and became objectively amazing. (VIDEO)

Wagner came out to sing Meatloaf’s “Bat Out Of Hell” next, and then I took a bathroom break. (VIDEO)

Paije Richardson performed “Back to Black” by Amy Winehouse. He was once again really, really good (technically speaking), but I got bored and started singing my own version of the song over him after a few seconds, so that was fun for me. Unfortunately, I still don’t care for Paije. Sorry, (VIDEO)

Katie Weasel came to the stage next to perform a twinkle-toed rendition of “Bewitched.” “OH GOD” I shouted upon seeing her wannabe-Gaga makeup-slathered face swivel around in the egg chair. With each week, my dislike grows stronger. Does she seem really disingenuous to anyone else? I feel like she’s got a diva’s attitude without a diva’s voice (but rather the voice of a dozen other pop stars that do it better), and the result is something really fake and cloying. (VIDEO)

One Direction sang Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of The Heart,” complete with subtle traces of fake blood all over their faces that kept making me LOL. It was good, but…you know. They’re little boys. (VIDEO)

And then from the ruins of great suckage before her, the great Lloyd did appear unto the X Factor stage as the final act of the night.

Oh…my God. Just watch. (VIDEO)

Without a doubt, Lady Lloyd’s rendition of Shakespears Sister’s “Stay” reigns as the indisputable performance of the night. Dropping the ghetto mamacita shtick for a hot second and whipping her hair up into a nice Elvira poof, Lloyd simply sang the damn thing—and the results were staggeringly amazing. So, so emotional and so, so right. I know how good Lloyd is when she goes hard with her swag, but I absolutely l-o-v-e when she actually sings. The judges all do too, and Simon called it the performance of the season. I agree.

With about five performances under her belt, Cher Lloyd is literally already a better pop star than half of the dire trash-bags stuffing up the radio these days. I cannot believe what I’ve just witnessed—‘tis only the stuff of a pure legend-in-the-making. Nearly cried!

Performance of the Night: Cher

My Picks:
Girls: Cher
Over 28’s: Mary
Boys: Matt
Groups: Belle Amie