I haven’t done one of these in a while (since Gaga’s ill-fated tour with Kanye, actually), so I’ve decided I should start this up again.

And now, a dramatic reading of what (I think) transpired at the creative concept meeting prior to the video shoot for Katy Perry‘s “Firework.”

Katy Perry: Thank you all so, so very much for joining me tonight to discuss the video concept for “Firework,” anonymous gays. NOW: WHAT IN DA FUCK WE GONNA DO?
Gay A: Right, I’ve got it. So for the opening scene, I want to see you in, like, a really yummy Gaultier gown running down an empty corridor with, like, a bunch of crucifixes and lubricant in your hands. Wait, scratch that. This has to be a really, really BIG political moment. I want you to be scattering flowers…on Harriet Tubman’s grave. No, wait–diamonds. And you should be crying, I think. Blood tears. And I think you should have the word “RACISM” tattooed onto one of your ass cheeks–but tastefully. Perhaps in cursive?

Gay B: No, no, no. Katy, look: This is going to be your big statement piece for the gays. This needs to be like an “It Gets Better” video mixed with Lindsay Lohan‘s “Confessions Of A Broken Heart” mixed with a late-night infomercial about impoverished Africans–but with more dudes making out. As long as the overarching message is tolerance.
Gay A: You mean like a more expensive, insane version of Christina Aguilera‘s video for “Beautiful”?
Gay B: I mean…if you want to be a dick about it Joshua, then yes. It’s not like anyone remembers who she is anyway.
Gay A: Wait. Isn’t this the same bitch who sang a song called “Ur So Gay” like three years ago?
Rihanna, on conference call: OOH, NA NA NA NA.

Gay C: Ladies, ladies…please. What we really need to focus on is where we can fit in some subtle Gaga undertones. Meat is purely a no-go, but I really don’t think the concept has been pushed to the absolute limit. Has anyone ever considered a canned meat ensemble? Spam culottes, perhaps? No, perhaps a turkey tunic–

Katy Perry: WHAT IF FIREWORKS BURST FORTH FROM MY TEATS?

Elmo: Oh heavens to Betsy, Katy. I really don’t know if that’s the best id–
Gay A: PERFECT.
Gay B: I LOVE.
Gay C: AMAZING.

Katy Perry: *Lactates whipped cream.*

And that is what (I think) happened.