SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW BECAUSE LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

Okay, just know this right off the bat: “Criminal” isn’t just the greatest video Britney Spears has done during the Femme Fatale era–it’s one of her best videos to date.

As the camera pans in during the clip’s opening scene, we find our beloved Britney–dressed up in a gorgeous gown–uncomfortably glancing around inside a crowded soiree.

Serving pure “I’m not here for this” frowny face, the Holy Spearit is suddenly hassled by her sailfish boyfriend for not looking and acting the part. Hurt, Godney soon retires to the bathroom–amazingly pre-prepared with B’s entire suite of fragrances–to wipe away her tears. (Well, not without a quick spritz of Radiance/Fantasy/Curious first, that is!)

Keenly aware that she’s paired up with a major schmuck, she sets back out to the party–and that’s about when things start getting, well, fucking amazing. Is there anything else to do but gleefully gasp with delight and clutch your pearls as Britney strolls toward her rotten man-candy millionaire, now flirting with another girl, and smugly offers to the sorry wench: “So, you’re not working the street corner tonight I see…”?! YASSS!!!

The scene quickly leads to a rather heated altercation outside between Brit and her dastardly date, and then a–no, wait. I–is that–did he just?! I KNOW HE DID NOT JUST…HE JUST SLAPPED HER.

NO ONE SLAPS MISS BRITNEY SPEARS.

Hearing the call of every outraged Britney stan from Bangkok to Brazil, a mystery man–played by real-time beau Jason Trawick–leaps out from the shadows (what’s he doing over there? I don’t know–WE DON’T ASK QUESTIONS HERE) and saves the day by delivering a quick one-two punch to the bastard. That’s when Brit Brit decides to come in for a parting kick goodbye–straight between the legs! WERRRRRK. Trip to your…crotch! Smooches!

From there on in, it’s all sex and stealing for this Bonnie & Clyde (Brinnie & Tryde?) duo, featuring some pistol grippin’ (watch where you’re pointing that thing, Brit Brit!), some convenience store robbin’, and even a little steamy fun in the shower that makes the sauna scene in “Womanizer” look like child’s play.

She really goes there with all the hot and heavy action–some might even say she’s flirting with the verge of obscene! (I mean, we don’t even see all that much…but we do see some BritBoobie!)

Plus, there’s even some little humor nuggets thrown in for the more hardcore variety of fans. Notice the product Brit’s ripping off the shelves: Those are (Holy Spearit) Vanilla candles, of course! Britney’s favorite! And that disclaimer at the end–did you catch it? “No vanilla candles were harmed in the making of this video.” SO SILLYNEY!

Oh, and how about all that dancing in the doorway? Well, I mean, it’s more “fierce hair flips and hand motions” if we’re getting technical here, but still! No one was expecting there to be any sort of fluid motion whatsoever, and she’s seriously working it out! Given that we’re only getting some hand flipping and whipping, it’s quite stunning how alive she looks in comparison to similar routines from the not-so-distant past (the “Piece of Me” bathroom scene, anyone?) Like…WOW! Our girl’s still got that fire burning!

Also: Do I actually need to mention that she looks beautiful? It’s always a given, but here…especially so. Just flaw free. She’s an angel sent from above. Beautiful, gorgeous, stunning Britney.

But if Nelly Furtado‘s taught us anything, it’s that all good things come to an end. And sadly for B-Girl and Jason, the cops finally come a-knockin’ for their heads in the clip’s final few moments. Sharing one last passionate kiss between themselves (well, and some rapid-fire bullets), the couple prepare to meet their maker. OR DO THEY?

As the dust settles and the cops come in to see the damage dealt, reality hits–the duo’s disappeared! THAT’S RIGHT! Our Femme Fatale lives to see another day, riding on the back of her bad boy’s bike! (Presumably to the nearest tattoo shop, where he’ll have her name tattooed on his arm…she’s his lucky charm, you know!)

Yeesh. It was a bit of a harsh sentence anyway, no? Like, Lindsay Lohan made off with a necklace and all she got was a stern wag of the finger in the States, but Brit Brit swipes some cheap candles and the consequence is getting mowed down by fifty million bullets? Um…I don’t quite understand your legal system, England.

But that’s not the real reason: If you were really paying attention, you’d know that all those SWAT teams weren’t coming in to take down Spears and Trawick for stealing a candle or two from the local convenience store. They were coming because the Holy Spearit JUST FUCKING SLAYED EVERY SINGLE POP BITCH IN THE BUILDING’S ENTIRE LIIIIIIFE.

In all seriousness, the video for “Ciminal” not only encapsulates the mystery and intrigue of the Femme Fatale era oh-so-perfectly, but truly stands as a shining example of why I’ll always remain a fan of–nay, an rabidly unapologetic stan of the Living Legend herself, Miss Britney Spears. It’s absolutely perfect in every single way. A candidate for the video of the year? Why yes..yes, indeed.

I could not be more proud of our girl than in this moment, and I’m also quite thankful to Mr. Chris Marrs Piliero for directing such a truly incredible production. The video also validates why I’ve continued to cry out the entire year…

2011: YEAR OF THE SPEARS.