A picture of her flaw-free head moving swiftly through the busy streets of New York City surfaces around 4:15 P.M. and gets retweeted approximately fifty-five bajillion times. “Is it her?!” the fans shriek via tweet. Could it actually be? Yes. After some sort of stan-based visual DNA testing, it’s confirmed: The Holy Spearit is making her way to the FOX Upfronts.
“Legendary hair,” the commenters carefully analyze amongst one another. “Iconicney.” More time passes, and the fans reload their Twitter pages hungrily. “I hate fuckin’ waiting,” the Twitterverse seems to cry out all at once. So much–so very, very much.
Finally, the time has come: The announcement of the X Factor line-up. Just minutes before 5 P.M., a more-epic-than-epic X Factor promo flashes across the mega-sized screen in the Beacon Theater reminding us all of the DRAMA, ADVERSITY, PERSEVERANCE, PEPSI PRODUCT PLACEMENT and SUPERSTAR WATTAGE (Melanie Awho-whuh?) of X Factor–and then the screen lifts to reveal the new judges.
It’s a funny thing that happens whenever Britney Spears appears onstage: There’s a quick glimmer of vanilla-scented glitter in the air. You never really do get a good glimpse of the angels placing her down on her stilettos, but they’re there–if you’re watching closely enough.
And she looks beautiful. Gorgeous. Stunning. Ravishing. Californian Tan Goddessney. So perfect and entirely free of flaw that every single pop princess in the game promptly stood up and declared their retirement. (Except Demi–she looked pretty too.)
And they all stand together and laugh–oh, how they laugh! They laugh as old friends, knowing that the world is their Starbucks frappe, and that no one else stands a chance of trending worldwide on Twitter. Demi looks over at Britney for just a brief second with a sisterly twinkle in her eye, who quickly smiles back. “Someday,” Dem thinks to herself, “I can be just like her.”
Simon entertains the crowd with a few pleasantries, knowing full well that no one’s truly paying attention to a single word he says. Not when there’s a living legend standing to his right. Finally, he asks the Legendary Miss Britney Spears to speak.
The room goes silent, and so she does:
“It’s gonna be so much fun and so different from anything I’ve ever done, and I’m ready to find the true star,” The Holy Spearit quickly remarks to the crowd using her deep, Does-She-Have-A-Coldney-Or-Something Good Morning America promo vocals.
“BACK TO YOU, SIMON.”
And that’s it. The words reverberate throughout the country.
Somewhere, hidden deep in the hills of Los Angeles, Legendtina sits watching the announcement along with the rest of the common people online. Suddenly, she sits back and cackles, rocking back and forth menacingly in her swivel chair (which was stolen from the set of The Voice.) Cackling, cackling–and then a fiery rage burns from her blood-red lips: “THIS IS DEROGATORY TOWARDS WOMEN!” she howls, slamming her fist down on her table and accidentally activating the swivel chair. “No!” she cries out. “Help! HELP!” But no one’s there to help as she spins backwards at the speed of snail.
No one but Baby Max sitting idly on the floor, his eyes still glued to the screen. “Buh-ritney,” he coos. His first word.