“Mmhmm. Right. Well, you really wouldn’t get it unless you were a true music lover,” the buxom beauty explains over the phone to Christina Millian, as she applies another coat of lipstick to her lips and slides the Doritos Locos Taco Supreme back into her mouth.
Suddenly, she looks down at her Mi Reflejo promotional mini-calendar. Wednesday. The Hot 100 reveal. “SORRY FAN, CAN’T TALK,” she screams into the phone, hanging up on Millian as she races to her study in a glittery corset and knee-length boots.
Hopping into the red swivel chair, Legendtina hungrily loads up AOL on her 1996 IBM and begins typing. Screen Name: “TheRealXtina.” Password: “AllIWannaDoIsFuckYour1D.” After several minutes, the browser loads. She types in “billboard.com,” hits enter, scrolls through the text and spits the rest of her taco on the screen.
“SOARS IN AT NUMBER 34?!” Legendtina screeches, jumping up from her red swivel chair and throwing an empty wine glass at the wall.
She peers through the Top 10 of the iTunes chart. “The fuck is a Gangnam style?” she murmurs to herself, spitting her gum out on the floor. And then she stands up: “Ke$ha, ‘Die Young’?!” “RIHANNA, ‘DIAMONDS’?!” she screeches. No, not like this, she thinks to herself. Not for the songstress behind “Sex For Breakfast.”
Suddenly, Legendtina lurches over to her vanity and pulls out a box of unsold Stripped promotional stationary.
“Congratulations on the success of your new single, Ke$ha! – XoXtina” she scribbles quickly on one note.
“Congratulations on the success of your new single, Ciara! -XoXtina” she writes on the other, manically cackling as she spritzes both notes with Christina Aguilera: Secret Potion.
Folding up the letters, she stuffs them into their respective envelopes and reaches back into her drawer for something. Carefully, she fills each envelope with a strange white powder. “Never forget who owns the throne. Right Max?” she asks her toddler seated on the floor, who stares back up at his mother, visibly unimpressed.
As Legendtina begins her nightly ritual of launching into 17-second melismas, Max looks down at his OshKosh B’Gosh overalls. He sighs, stealthily pulling out his iPod Touch from his pocket. “Diamonds” flashes on the screen. He slides the over-sized Back to Basics promotional glitter headphones over his baby head.
“I choose to be happy,” he thinks to himself as his mother’s yodeling begins.
“Your Body” was released on September 17. (iTunes)