ciarabodyparty

Queen CiCi is finna put on her crown and take her rightful place on the throne — the porcelain throne, that is.

In an almost impressive show of complete and utter PR idiocy, the oft-shaded “Sorry” songstress decided yesterday that it would be a good idea to hop out of the backseat of the car where she’s been Instagramming selfies for several months, scurry into the Givenchy fashion party in France and screech out her new single, “Body Party.” In a bathroom.

Really, Epic Records? Did no one at the label see this one and think “Hmm, better not.” Is LA Reid calling for an increase in Google searches for “Ciara bathroom”? Is there even a team behind CiCi, or just a lone toilet? It’s like you’re actually begging to be dragged. Ready? “Potty Party.” Done.

The melody-free, achingly bland new “My Boo”-sampling number was produced by Mike WiLL Made It (meaning that he gave the vastly superior “Kisses Down Low” to Queen Kelly Rowlegend.)

I’ve been pushing the Queen of Crunk-R&B’s new single “Got Me Good” hard for months now–and this is how she repays me?! I’m all for slinky boner jams — so long as they’re sexy. Actual lyrics: “Your body is my party.” Stop. Still aroused?

It’s really all so bleak and, of course, she loves it. Why? Because according to Ci, the track features her super amazing new boyfriend Future ooh-ing and aah-ing in the background, implying very openly to Billboard that they were getting intimate or whatever during the recording:

“If you listen closely, you can [hear him],” she told The Juice while giggling.

“Let’s just say that this record came out of a very sincere place,” Ciara says of working with Future. “I think when things just organically feel right, naturally good things come from it.”

I’m really happy for you CiCi, but there’s only one woman who can successfully record a slow jam while enjoying her kisses down low…and that’s JANET. (And Kelly Rowlegend. #BuyKissesDownLowOniTunes)

Meanwhile, One Woman Army leaked tracks “Overdose” and “Livin’ It Up” lie in waiting, unreleased, and still quite literally eons better than this mess. (Oh, and by the way, Rihanna‘s already LOL-ing her ass off with her besties.)

YOU’RE MAKING THIS SO HARD FOR ALL OF US, CIARA.

On a related note, MuuMuse can officially confirm that Ashanti‘s new single, “Booty Celebration,” will drop next Tuesday in the restroom of an Arby’s off of I-5 in California.

One Woman Army is expected to drop next never.