will.i.cannot‘s album, #willpower, is out today. (Well, not like out out, but “now streaming on YouTube” out, because even his record label knows that nobody’s going to legally shell out their hard-earned coin on that mess.)
If you haven’t already noticed the dryness in your throat, we’ve become some parched-ass Britney stans beggin’ for a taste of new anything—and also to If U Seek Amy. Y’all are thirsty, and so am I. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d stan out for 15 seconds of raw demo vocals for “My Baby.” We’re begging for something to sip on. (REFERENCE.)
We all just want to be like…
So, when a track from the King of LCD Pop (that’s Lowest Common Denominator, for short) called “Bang Bang” came up on #willpower–which is also featured on the upcoming Gatsby soundtrack, by the way–the ears of many Believers of Godney perked up instantly: In between the grating horns, tired techno beats and shameful interpolation of Cher‘s “Bang Bang” (yes, all of these things and more!), there’s a baby-voiced female that cuts into the track. “Love ’em down, down/I shot my baby with a bang!” The “bang” doesn’t quite sound like Queen B, but it’s that “love ’em down” bit that sounds like Brit Brit’s l-l-legendary tongue action.
And so, that’s really it: Approximately 3 seconds of someone who sounds like Britney.
True, it does sound like her, sorta. But really, why wouldn’t he promote another Britney song on his album if that were the case? This is the same man who’ll stuff the latest Panasonic Flip-Vine-Instagram-Recorder-Phone-Vajazzler down his pants and a Beats by Dr. Dre dildo in his mouth faster than you can say “product placement.” He wouldn’t slap her name on the title? Please. No sense found.
At best, it’s an excruciatingly terrible, impressively basic song featuring a single line of the Queen’s vocals that no one will ever want to listen to again.
At worst, I’ve just promoted will.i.am. And truly, that is the very worst.
Please Pop Gods, let the loud rumors of Will.I.Am’s involvement as executive producer of Album #8 be nothing more than the Devil himself (or the Illuminati) messing with our heads. I c-can’t, c-can’t keep doin’ this…
UPDATE: B-Girl’s nowhere to be found on the credits. Consider this officially not her voice. (Thank Godney.)
