HUSH. JUST. STOP.
The Spearitual updates are piling on uncontrollably (luh-blee, luh-blee) every day, so let’s just go-o-o all the way-y-y.
Over the weekend, the Sensual Seductress/Enchanting Mistress, Miss Britney Spears, revealed a sneak peek at the upcoming Marc Klasfeld-directed video for soon-to-be summertime Smurfs 2 smash, “Ooh La La.”
The legend is looking stunning and totally Adultney, like a Smurfy upgrade to 2000’s Oopsney, and a little bit of 3ney thrown in there too for good measure. And as for the video’s concept? Welp, it involves Queen B smurfing her way to Smurf Village according to BreatheHeavy. I’m assuming there’ll also be some Smurfs smurf-screening their way onto the legend’s bodeh and dancing and smurfing merrily on her head, and we will all bow down in unworthiness and pre-order physical copies in bulk at Walmart.
In addition to this pre-#Album8Promo, Hasbro is currently casting for a commercial Twister Dance Rave, a hi-octane upgrade to Godney’s already game-changing game changer, Twister Dance. (2012: The Year We Stanned For A Twister Dance Commercial.)
According to the casting, the clip will be “an explosive live dance concert spectacular [in which you will work with] top people from NYC’s hip hop & jazz dance communities, including Marina Kamen (a.k.a. Marina) and Britney Spears’ choreographer, Lisette Bustamante, who currently appears on AMC’s ‘Showville.'” Will the Holy Spearit appear in the new commercial too? Not sure. But if you live in the New York City area, know how to rock the spots and think you’re so hot and/or want to show B[‘s choreographer] what you’ve got (REFERENCE), head down to the audition!
And of course, it’s complete and utter pandemonium in every recording studio across the globe, as producers vie for a spot on the tracklisting of Album 8, tentatively titled Blackout 2.0: It Gets Urbaner (We’re Just Having Lots of Lunches Right Now).
We already know that Britney’s recording a song “4 All Her Boys” — which either means her gay boys, them city boys from New York, all them Southern boys out there, or about 50 other kinds of boys.
The latest rumored producer to add to the mix? According to a rather casual mention in an ABC News report, Mike WiLL Made It — creator of Miley‘s “We Can’t Stop,” Ciara‘s booty jam “Body Party” and of course, Kelly Rowlegend‘s “Kisses Down Low,” which is available now on iTunes — cut a track with B called “Outta Control.” WHAT?!
Imagine: A slinky, early ’90’s baby makin’ R&B beat. A moan. A giggle. And then: “Mike WiLL made it, baybeh.”
There’s also whisperspeak of Scoop DeVille‘s involvement, who’s responsible for putting the urban in Kendrick Lamar‘s “Poetic Justice (feat. Drake).” A very urban choice.
Plus, Dev Hynes tweeted a Spearitual pun to Ray of Light super-producer William Orbit (who confirmed that he’s working on tracks for B with Naughty Boy). As a reminder, Dev is not only responsible for Solange‘s True EP, but our favorite song of 2012: Sky Ferreira‘s “Everything Is Embarrassing.” Obviously, everything is legendary (and also urban) about this potential collaboration.
But who’s actually in the studio with Britney right now? We just don’t know! Let’s be real: We don’t even know if Naughty Boy and Orbit are being blessed by the Holy Spearit yet! Telling the press that you’re submitting tracks for Britney’s album is like going to the Femme Fatale Tour and telling everyone you “met” Britney. Like, yeah. Okay. You were blessed to be breathing the same air, sure, but that doesn’t mean that it’s serious. (REFERENCE.)
Of course everyone’s submitting tracks right now. It’s our very own Pop Princess-now-Queen of Pop! Every single producer and their mother is submitting tracks for the Britney album. I’m submitting tracks for the Britney album.
It ain’t official until will.i.am or Britney herself e-mails our hearts or talks that dirty talk to us (or, most likely, Queen Hannah Spears starts barking about it on Twitter.)
For now, we can only bow our heads, leaf through the Book of Godney and pray.