THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Good Morning America has officially confirmed that Living Legend, Sensual Seductress and Enchanting Mistress Miss Britney Spears will perform on September 17.
Her appearance on GMA marks the third time in a row that The Holy Spearit has used the early morning show to kick-off a new era, following her iconic Circus birthday fete in New York in 2008 and her electrifying Femme Fatale promo performance from the Castro District in 2011.
Will she perform? Rumors continue to swirl regarding the full extent of what’s to come on September 17, although “sources” (who range from record label whistleblowers to 13-year-old Twitter trolls claiming to be in the know) suggest that the Pop Princess-turned-Queen of Pop will be performing from Vegas to announce her upcoming Live From Las Vegasney residency at Planet Hollywood – and potentially even putting in WERK BITCH while doing so.
My suggestion to you all now is to begin gathering your Spearitual rosary beads and vanilla candles. Recite psalms from the Book of Godney while pouring Christmas-scented potpourri around your home. Tie a red string around your wrists to protect yourself from evil spirits (unless your babies are your religion), and stay in bed watching For The Record, Britney Spears: Live From Las Vegas and Sex & The City on repeat.
Please Godney, let us all survive The Almighty Countdown to September 17.