katy-perry-roar-video

The video for Katy Perry‘s “Roar” — otherwise known as the #1 song in the country — has arrived.

Watch as the Prism Princess makes her way out of the ruins of a plane crash alongside her useless, narcissistic male companion, becomes one with nature (ELEPHANTS AND MONKEYS AND EXOTIC BIRDS, OH MY!), swings from vines and reigns supreme as the ultimate lioness of the jungle — all while celebrating the one defining characteristic that Katy Perry has employed throughout her entire body of work: Her boobs.

Let us now break it down.

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This video was filmed in “Junglescope,” which is industry-speak for “expensively cheap.”

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KP is in deep shit. Evidently, she has a problem with transportation as of late. #RIPPrismTruck

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Plus, her BF’s a total douche. Like, look at him taking a selfie on this cool, urban Nokia phone. Duck lips? Please. SPOILER ALERT: NOT THE LAST SELFIE IN THIS MUSIC VIDEO.

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Selfie 2. On second thought, perhaps he’s just one of Katy’s KatyCats.

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After being abandoned by her selfie-ish sidekick, Katy Perry launches into pure meltdown mode, serving “Cher Horowitz getting robbed at gunpoint in Clueless” realness while doing so.

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But it’s totes fine. He’s dead already, so like…whatever.

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Suddenly, Azealia Banks attempts to come for her on Twitter.

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The glowing eyes of a thousand Little Monsters peer through the darkness. She is not welcome here.

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“BUT I PRE-ORDERED ARTPOP ON iTUNES!”

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Having abandoned all hope, she looks into her reflection in the water — or what Legendtina would refer to as “Mi Reflejo” (SAY!) — and realizes that she is, in fact, a tiger. A fighter — and you’re going to hear her roar. DO YOU SEE WHAT KATY DID THERE? SHE IS GOING TO “ROAR.”

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The glowing eyes turn into dazzling fireflies or some shit — if you squint, you’ll notice that they spell out S-E-X at one point. Oh wait, sorry. This isn’t The Lion King.

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Katy repurposes her stiletto into a spear. Do you see what she’s done here? She’s not only ditched the dude and fended for herself, but she’s taken a traditionally gendered “feminine” object and giving it entirely new meaning — a weapon, a symbol of strength to empower women everywhere.

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Just don’t call her a feminist! LOL.

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Either that, or she was just looking for something to throw at GooseGa, laying an egg just offscreen. WAIT, WRONG VIDEO.

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Katy Perry for Herbal Essences.

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A hater suddenly blasts her with water. No, wait — it’s an elephant! Note: Not to be confused with Kelly “Lay It On Me” Rowland’s elephant or Godney “Circus” Spears’ elephant.

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AW YEAH, BRO. The moment we’ve all been waiting for: PERRY’S PILLOWS.

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“Buy ‘Prism’ on iTunes! And that song I did with John Mayer! Our relationship status is still questionable!”

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Definitely having more fun than you right now.

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Bamboobs.

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The showdown: The competition is fierce, but the tiger simply cannot withstand Perry’s almighty fire-yelping. (I mean, that’s just what happens when you guys decide to have the video shoot catered by Chipotle.)

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The royal throne. The flower crown. She’s just like Lana Del Rey — except Katy is Born To Roar.

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Selfie 3. Katy Perry’s fun. We’re having fun. Are you having fun? Everyone’s having fun.

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~*GiRL pRoBLemZ*~

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Oh, thank God! It was all just a dream. If that were actually real —

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WHAAAAAAAT?! You got me, KP!

And there you have it! The video for Katy Perry’s “Roar.”

If you didn’t like the California Gurl’s jungle hijinx, that’s probably because you prefer pop music that makes you think, and not “silly pop.” Or, perhaps you prefer your pop music without a knowing “I’m so above this” wink-wink. Or maybe you hoped Prism was going to be as dark as the initial teasers suggested. And that’s fair — the video amounts to a shiny tube of lip gloss.

And if you liked it, that’s probably because you prefer your pop to be not-so-serious. Or, maybe you’re just in the market for a quick laugh and gorgeous visuals. And that’s fair too — the world should be a happy place full of smiles.

Whatever you feel, one thing’s for sure: Katy Perry is the Queen of Marketing and Mass Consumption.

“Roar” was released on August 12. (iTunes)