Greetings, Little Earthlings.
This evening, Mother Monster — professionally known as Aphrodite Seashell Garden Panty Lady — decided to disembark from her ARTPOP ArtSpaceship for a very ARTPOP performance on X Factor, in front of Nicole Scherzinger (for whom she was opening for on the Pussycat Dolls tour in 2009, LOL), as well as enemy-turned-BFF (just don’t tell Kelly!), Sharon Osbourne.
The performance kicked off with an acoustic, hippie-dippie take on her intergalactic new track “Venus” (give ’em vocals, girl!) But really, who has time for all that? There’s choreography to be had! And so, Gaga gleefully tip-toed her way across the stage in her nude bra and (garden) panties (“Applause” VMAs style) into a giant seashell-bearing Birth of Venus-inspired set. (Do you see? Can you wrap your Koons gazing ball of a brain around this?) You are seeing ART, while POP is being sung. #ARTPOP.
She didn’t get very far into the “Venus” choreography when one half of her seashell boobies suddenly committed suicide on stage. But fear not! Being the genuinely talented performer she is, she snatched that second shell off her ArtTeet like it was a nasty Twitter troll on her timeline. The mark of a true performer!
And then, following a confetti ‘splosion, ’twas off with the wig! It’s Sister Swine in the near nude, with her natural ‘do. It was time for a performance of promo-single-turned-real-single “Do What U Want (feat. R. Kelly)” (with no R. Kelly)! And this was even better! She crawled, she growled, she yelled “DOWHUCHURWAHWIMAH BAAAAHDAY!” and the world did what they wanted with her body. Her vocals were on point the entire time (and really, when you’re dry-humping the air, that’s no easy feat!) and the jittery piano dancing was quite a sight. Mercifully, there was no slippage.
Basically, it was a great performance from Miss Gagaloo. Her performance wasn’t very graceful — it was messy as fuck, actually. But so is the entire ARTPOP era! That’s the beauty of it all. She sounded fantastic. She let loose. Fun was had on stage. And let’s face it, H8RS: She cares about being an entertainer deeply (too much for the public’s liking recently) — and that’s something many of our favorite pop stars don’t seem to do a whole lot of lately. Real talk.
That, at the very least, deserves your respect…and your applause.
ARTPOP will be released on November 11. (iTunes)