LEGENDTINA NEWS NETWORK (Los Angeles, CA) — Bow down, get on your knees: GRAMMY Award-winning chanteuse, humanitarian and true lover of music Legendtina Goduilera, has sung a song.
It happened this week during the battle rounds of The Voice, as the “Hoy Tengo Ganas De Ti” beauty was busily mentoring her team — a collection of assorted fans — for their upcoming performances.
In order to demonstrate true artistry to the amateurs, the “We Remain” songstress delivered a stirring, evocative rendition of the Dixie Chicks‘ “Not Ready To Make Nice,” rumored to be inspired by a recent incident involving professional bully and full-time bobblehead, Perez Hilton.
According to Voice staffers, the iconic singer’s effortless octave shifts and stunning vibrato runs caused a steep molecular imbalance in the air, causing several of the contestants to pass out, while others simply fell to their knees in awe. One contestant remains in critical condition at the local hospital. (Lotus flowers and an unsold copy of Bionic have been sent to the room, per Legendtina’s request.)
“I can really relate to the feeling of this type of a song,” Legendtina later explained to the LNN in a sitdown interview at her chateau in the Hollywood Hills, warmly referred to by fans as Legendtina’s Lair. “Feeling empowered by the fact that everyone’s picking on you for being who are you are — which just happens to be a legend,” she casually noted in between sips of Dom Pérignon Rosé from a bejeweled chalice.
Critics from the New York Times — a once libelous publication — are hailing the performance as “Wait, she’s back on that show? What happened to that tour she was going to do?” and “I thought the contestants were supposed to be the ones singing,” while USA Today raves “Wow, she’s just, like, full-on belting like she’s on stage” and “I feel like she’s done something different with her face lately.”
According to LNN insiders, Emmy Award academy committee members have now begun scrambling to renew the once retired “Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program” category to honor the performance next year, retitled “Most Sen-SAY!-tional Performance In An Episode Of The Voice.” Legendtina is fully tipped to win.
Legendtina is an ongoing fan-fiction series — and if you don’t like it, fuck you.