“Congratulations on all of your success, Legendtina. I have always looked up to you as an inspiration. After all, I’ll never be as royal as you,” she reads aloud to an eager audience seated at the foot of her red swivel chair throne. “Sincerely, Lorde.”
The Mi Reflejo icon looks up and smiles warmly, scanning at all of the eager faces illuminated by the flickering candelabras inside Legendtina’s Lair. “Sweet sentiment, but what the fuck is a Lorde?” she roars, quickly crumpling the letter in her hand and tossing it into the crowd of fans. A nervous laughter erupts.
It’s been almost 24 hours since the reign first began on The Voice: “Say Something,” the stunning ballad she stole from A Great Big World‘s recording studio and blessed with her GRAMMY Award-winning vocals as a part of her humanitarian work, has been reigning supreme at #1 on the iTunes Songs chart.
Fans from all around the world have gathered inside Legendtina’s Lair for a special state of the union address by the L.O.T.U.S. (Legend Of The United States).
“I would like to thank you all for helping me celebrate yet another achievement,” she begins, putting down her lipstick-stained Starbucks cup, a tall order of Red Hot Kinda Pumpkin Spice Latte. “As a true lover of music, I believe that there is room for all of us on everyone’s iPods — or at least however many others that can fit after uploading my entire discography,” she cackles, tossing her head back.
“I hear from fans that there are others who are also releasing music at the same time. There is Kathy Perry‘s ‘Uncommercially,’ Larry Gaga‘s ‘Dope What U Won’t,’ and even my dear friend Britney‘s ‘Smell,’ which I hear is a stirring tribute to my fragrance, Red Sin. I am truly honored and inspired by all of these aspiring musicians — the fact that I am objectively more advanced and talented than all of them makes no difference to me whatsoever.”
A hand raises in the crowd. “Your, your legend — we’re all very impressed with your new song, but do you think you’ll be releasing any original music any time soon?”
“Excellent question, fan!” Legendtina answers, tapping her Louboutins against the stack of unsold Bionic albums at her feet being used as a footstool. “Despite the extreme drought in quality music this year, I’m feeling very inspired lately — and no, I don’t draw inspiration from foam fingers. You’ll hear from me soon enough,” she winks.
“But tonight, we are not ourselves,” she sings out. “Let there be love, let there be Lotus…”
Legendtina is an ongoing fan-fiction series — and if you don’t like it, fuck you.
“Say Something” was released on November 5. (iTunes)