phuckin roun in da studio

A video posted by badgalriri (@badgalriri) on


Robyn Rihanna “RiRi” Fenty, High Priestess of the Illuminati, has been personally victimizing the entirety of the Rihanna Navy for nearly two years running with her supremely insensitive, disrespectful lack of phucks for giving us new music — her longest run of phucklessness between albums to date.

In fact, she’s actually slicing bread and laughing with her BFFs in Barbados while we sit here and watch Meghan Trainor and Frankie Grande bop together at award shows. SHIT IS PHUCKING DARK, RIHANNA.

Mercifully — perhaps because a radio station shadily promised news about R8 (“FUCKERY!!!!”), or maybe because she accidentally hit “publish” on Instagram — RiRi has delivered unto us a teeny, tiny taste of what’s to come in the form of an in-studio teaser video.

After a blaring alarm, a boom…and then: “And none of this shit promised, ain’t none of this promised/Ain’t none of this shit certain, ain’t none of it certain…” That’s her way of throwing shade at us in 10 seconds for our relentless thirst (for which I am very guilty), and it is already The Most Exciting Song of 2014.

Now, um…give us that album, Rih. Please?