If these hoes didn’t know she’s Madonna, they sure do now.
To say Her Madgesty made ‘an appearance’ on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon last night would be a severe understatement: She took over the entire show, singing “Holiday” with Jimmy Fallon and The Roots, delivering stand-up comedy, sitting down for an interview…and performing one of the most all-out insane television performances of the entire Rebel Heart era (and maybe her career?) with the first live rendition of “Bitch I’m Madonna.”
This was no basic stage performance: Instead, Madonna brought her noisy, bratty and utterly #Unapologetic banger to life by barreling through the hallway backstage into the audience, onto the host’s desk and all over the entire set, shaking up (and/or physically abusing) the crowd, crew members, Jimmy Fallon and just about everyone in between.
No one was safe.
But first of all: SOCK BITCH. Fucking sock bitch. That sneaky ass sock just wasn’t satisfied munching on Madge’s fancy macaroons in her boudoir and somehow found himself backstage with Queen M’s “Bitch I’m Madonna” bling around his neck. To be fair, Sock Bitch is clearly a (lucky) star, and this cameo will no doubt propel him into supersockdom.
But bitch, there’s no time. Madge is in a hurry to get on set! Door kick! Diplo! Twerking ladiez! Next room!
Madge marches down the hallway in full M-Dolla mode, complete with the grillz and the dolla signz outfit and THE HUMPING OF HER DANCERS. And a skateboarding cameo from Rocco! And some lip-syncing action from a security guard! And she wasn’t even on set yet!
Who’s got time for a stage? She’s already found her way into the audience — specifically one unlucky star who made the deeply unwise decision to stay seated. Oh, he found a seat alright…after being hoisted into the air and THRUST into the lap of the poor woman clapping along front row. NO SITTING, BITCH. #REVOLUTIONOFSEATS. Or maybe she just sparked a love connection? Madgemaker!
Things finally start looking like an actual performance once she finally jogs her way to the main stage to deliver cocky ass, hip-thrusting choreography with Diplo at the DJ booth, as photos (clearly plucked from her Instagram) flash behind her and the dancers. Sweat! Dance! Hard Candy Fitness! Go!
But don’t get too comfortable, bitch: She’s on the move again! On top of Jimmy’s desk, specifically, where he’s nearly forced to deepthroat the mic with his own “Bitch I’m Madonna!” chant —even Questlove gets in on the action as she shimmies dangerously close to the band.
By the time the whole thing ended, Jimmy was lying motionless on the floor in a combination of amazement and utter exhaustion while Madonna dry-humped the air above him like a tiny dog and triumphantly declared: “I’m Madonna, these hoes know!” — which is all actually eerily similar to a fever dream I recently had.
Complete, utter #UnapologeticInsanity in the best way possible: It was La Isla ADHD, basically.