christina-bionic

LEGENDTINA NEWS NETWORK (Los Angeles, CA) — So, you want to be a great singer like Celine Dion? Or perhaps Mariah Carey? Or, what about The Undisputed Voice Of Our Generation herself, Legendtina Maria Nina Desnudate Goduilera?

“Well, you can’t,” she says.

But you can become slightly better under the masterful tutelage of Lotus legend herself, beginning this fall.

After spending years turning irrelevants into semi-irrelevants on her GLAAD Media Award-nominated reality TV series The Voice, the “Get Mine, Get Yours” diva is now offering the rare, unmissable opportunity to enroll in an online Masterclass to become up to nearly 25% as good as Legend X herself.

“MasterClass is very excited to finally give me the opportunity to share my God-given gift to my fans — or at least the ones with $90 to blow. You’re welcome,” she says of the exciting announcement in a press release issued yesterday.

Beginning with a required listening session of Lotus and a screening of Burlesque, the comprehensive multi-course class will teach students how to look into their Reflejos and unleash the Voice Within.

Tonight, MuuMuse is proud to present a first look at the course titles from the Legendtina MasterClass, as well as a brief conversation with the MasterClass teacher, humanitarian and Unbreakable Flower herself for the first time since the release of Lotus. (I’m still not fully healed.)

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Legendtina’s MasterClass: Course List

– “Melisma: The Art Of Finding 1000 Notes In Each Syllable”
– “You Are Beautiful No Matter What You Sing”
– “Sex For Breakfast, And Other Healthy Options For Your Vocal Cords”
– “SAY! HA! SING! SAY!
– “The One Time I Invented Jazz-Pop”
– “What Buying Lotus on iTunes Can Do For You And The Voice Within”
– “And Another Thing About Scott Storch”
– “Oh, The Newcomer?: An In-Depth Analysis Of Contemporary Pop Voices”

MuuMuse: Thank you so much for sitting down to speak with m — err, well, thank you for sitting on me. I’m still not sure why you needed to sit on my lap for this.

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Legendtina: You’re very welcome, Brian.

Bradley.

I’m sorry, who?

MuuMuse. I run the site, MuuMuse.

I’m not familiar. Oh, wait. My publicist tells me you’re in charge of another one. FlopCrush, is that right?

PopCrush, yes.

How’s that working out for you?

How’s Bionic working out for you?

Christina Aguilera Lips

Let’s get on with this. I have Buzzfeed coming in 10 minutes, and that’s the only one that actually counts.

Let me guess: They’re having you make GIFs for a post with three actual sentences of content?

How’d you know?

Just a hunch. So, okay. Tell me more about this MasterClass, which I can’t wait to sign up for.

Great question, Brendan, and I do truly hope you’ll be able to afford it one day when you’re not ‘blogging’, or whatever this is you think you’re doing. But back to me.

Christina Aguilera Computer GIF

I was at my computer the other day consulting with my oracle for a daily reading of the Billboard charts when the idea struck: How have I not yet released a Christina Aguilera by Morning? There’s already a Christina Aguilera by Day and a Christina Aguilera by Night. And then a second idea hit me: Am I really doing enough for my fans? Sure, I’ve created ahead-of-their-time records that will withstand the test of time — TIME Magazine, I mean. But do my fans really know how to trust the voice within and SAY!-ng?

Wow, that’s deep.

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I know. And don’t interrupt me again.

Sorry.

Actually, no. I was done. You’ve got three minutes left.

Okay. “The One Time I Invented Jazz-Pop.” Tell me more about that course.

Christina Aguilera Back To Basics

Right. I won’t give too much away. As you already know, 2006’s Back To Basics was the first time in history that a [AIR QUOTES] pop star — which is truly such a limiting term when it comes to discussing my artistry — decided to record a jazz album. I’ll be talking to my students about the history of jazz, how I came up with the idea, and how ahead-of-its-time the concept truly was. And hey, guess what? I didn’t need to go cheek to cheek with some old geezer to do it, if you catch my drift. HA!

I think I do. Would that someone be someone you’re addressing in this class called ‘Oh, The Newcomer?’

Yes. Man or woman, we’ll be analyzing concert footage from different acts for a deep-dive into their vocal shortcomings. I’ll discuss the way these entertainers can potentially improve if they took a few lessons from me, despite their lack of natural talent, charisma or star quality. I don’t want to name any names — like Areola Grande or Taylor Squint, for instance — but I covered all the basics. Emphasis on basics.

Really exciting. Now, tell me. The actual techniques we’ll be learning….will you be showing us how to physically move our mouths?

Christina Aguilera Mouth

Yes, a lot of it really has to do with your ability to wrap your lips around those big notes, which is something you clearly have a lot of experience doing in your personal life.

But there’s so much more to it: How many layers of lipstick are you wearing to accentuate those notes? How well can you simulate the act of clitoral stimulation on your microphone? When you sing, does your head glide confidently through the air like a Bird of Prey or wobble limply on your neck like a Bobblehead? How many times have you accidentally shattered the good china in the guest dining room while singing “Mary Had A Little Lamb” to Summer Rain before bedtime? All of these things are essential to finding the right sound.

I truly can’t wait to learn from you, Your Legend. Sign me up!

Thanks, Brett. See you on Buzzfeed!

Christina Kiss Crown GIF