Ain’t no other bag.
LEGENDTINA NEWS NETWORK (Los Angeles, CA) — GRAMMY® Award-winning singer, LA Yoga Magazine‘s Sexiest Downward Dogger of the Year  and reigning Voice Queen Legendtina Christina Maria Nina Desnudate Goduilera has revealed the key to her success — aside from her inimitable, God-given talent that the Pope himself once hailed as “legit AF”: Her bags.
In a new digital feature for The Voice, the Back To Basics beauty provided a generous and comprehensive glimpse into her varied bag collection, including her warm-up bag (“throat sprays and lube, mostly“), her lip bag (“thirty back-up tubes of Blu Red LipSense, just in case“), her scent bag (“Christina Aguilera by Day and Christina Aguilera by Night“), her crystal bag (“it keeps me zen — I’m a big fan of SAY!-raphinite“) and even her pen bag. “It’s to write lyrics, because unlike most supposed ‘songwriters’ these days, I appreciate the power of the written word,” the “Sex For Breakfast” singer explained.
But in an Excluusive on-set interview, Legend X revealed that the segment, in fact, was heavily edited.
“I was caught off-guard,” she revealed to the LNN while being fit into a Lady Marmalade Snugtina backstage, part of her forthcoming range of waist-training corsets.
“At first, I misheard the name of the segment and thought they wanted me to do something for my gay fans. But then they were like ‘No, bag‘ and I was like…OH. HA!‘”
The drama didn’t end there, however.
“They wouldn’t even let me show off all of my bags! I’ve got a bag full of unbreakable flowers. A bag of bobbleheads. Three bags full of birds of prey. And I have another one sitting right here. Let me just…” she said, reaching behind her and grunting to lift up the large blue and purple backpack.
“I call it my WHO Bag,” she explained, opening the bag to reveal hundreds of cut-out photos of popular artists.
“It’s to help me keep up with the up-and-comers. See?” she explained, lifting up a photo of one singer.
“This one…I know it. She does the song about her hands. Ugh! I always forget,” she conceded before flipping the photo around. “SALIDA GOMEZ!” she shrieks. “I almost got it!”
She lifted another card out of the backpack.
“I, hmm…nothing coming to mind. Is this Ellie Gouldstein? No! Wait, I know this one! Kacey Muskrat! No, no, wait. Kelsey Ballerina!” she flips over the card and sighs. “Taylor Swift. Never could tell the difference.”
She pulled out one more.
“Nope,” she said, looking back up from a photo of Mariah Carey. “Nothing comes to mind. I wish her well, whatever her name is.”
With a new studio album still on the way (code name X8), which LNN sales analysts now say will render Adele‘s 25 and its opening week record “a spectacular flop” by comparison, as well as a long-awaited Spanish language follow-up to 2000’s Mi Reflejo (code name Hoy Tengo Ganas De Mi Reflejo), plus a singing Masterclass (see the syllabus) which the company has since called their most important, iconic and “certainly the loudest” class they’ve ever offered, there’s no doubt Legend X will soon be coming Stronger Than Ever with the #LotusPromo.
Could an interactive lifestyle app also be on the way, a la Kylie Jenner?
“A Kardawhatnow app? Oh. The one that’s famous ’cause of the lips? Right. So, let me tell you a little something about lips,” she growled, standing up suddenly.
“Have you not seen me carting this around for the past six years?” she roared, pointing off toward the corner at the gleaming Bionic anal bead red mic stand.
“THOSE ARE ADVANCED, AHEAD-OF-THEIR-TIME LIPS FOR TRUE LOVERS OF LIPS.”
The “F.U.S.S.” icon declined to finish the rest of the interview, but before leaving the room, she urged fans to “trust the voice within” and sign up for her Masterclass, beginning at the fair and reasonable $90 pre-enrollment rate.
“I highly recommend it — especially some of you in my WHO bag,” she said, adding with a wink: “That means you, Taylor.”
Legendtina is an ongoing fan-fiction series about the life and times of Christina Aguilera, and if you don’t like it, fuck you.