Many moons have passed, and most of the bones have healed, since the last time I sat down with Legend X herself, Legendtina Maria Nina Desnudate Goduilera.

Following her triumphant return to television on last night’s episode (January 25) of Lip Sync Battle, I caught up with the Grammy® Award-winning Mi Reflejo chanteuse in one of the many Fan Receiving Rooms inside of Legendtina’s Lair to discuss what she’s been up to in the New Year.

I’m happy to report that no one was hurt this time. Physically, anyway.

Hello, Madame Legendtina. I love the beaded curtain you’ve added here in front of the door, which mimics the design of your signature Bionic lip anal bead microphone stand.

It’s subtle, right? Good to see you again, Brandon.

My name’s actually Bradl–

HA! I’m kidding. I think I already know your name by now, Brett.

That works. So, Lip Sync Batt

[Screaming] LIP SAY-NC BAH-TAAH-uh-AYUH-ah-UHL-YAAAASUH!

What, why?

I’ll be honest, I don’t know. It just came out. Go on.

So, Lip Sync Battle. You appeared on an episode last night, sitting on a throne, watching others pay tribute to you by lip-syncing to your music. It makes sense that they’d choose to honor you, seeing as you are one of the best vocalists of our generation.

“One”…of?

THE. The. That’s what I intended to say. The…vocalist of our generation.

I see. Be careful with your words, Brock.

So sorry. How was the experience overall?

Well, as you clearly know from personal experience, I cherish the relationship I have with my gay fans. I am the first inductee into the Gay Walk Of Fame at The Abbey, after all. Not every goo-goo, ga-ga pop tart has that to their name. So when I was told that there would be a drag queen competition held specifically in my honor, I knew I’d have to see that fabulousness in person with my boys.

You are a LGBTQ warrior no doubt, and that’s a great reason to appear, but Lip Sync Battle isn’t really…drag. It’s sort of a straight-acting appropriation of the Lip Sync For Your Life part of RuPaul’s Drag Race so heterosexuals have a #NoHomo excuse to dabble in drag. So I guess my question is: would you ever go on Drag Race to watch actual drag queens pay tribute to your legacy?

[Leaning forward in red swivel seat stolen from the set of The Voice] What are you saying to me right now, Bryan?

It’s just – you were on Lip Sync Battle, which is not quite RuPaul’s Drag Race.

You mean to tell me right now that those are two different shows?

Yes.

And the one I was just on is not the Drag Race show?

That’s correct.

[Throws phone at wall, then looks back with a tense smile.] Someone’s about to be not my manager tonight. Regardless, I thought both of the dudes looked incredible.

You know, Erika Jayne’s actually a biological wom–

Let’s move onto something else. I have to get back to the office. I’m in the middle of drafting my first-ever cookbook. It’s called Back To Baked Dishes. You don’t even need a plate — just your face. HA!

Licky, licky, yum, yum! Speaking of taste, you’re serving lots of looks these days.

Aren’t I always? Always evolving, always looking ahead, always challenging myself, always reaching for that next level. It might not be for everybody – perhaps a little too ahead of the curve at times, I suppose – but true lovers of fashion will get it.

I’m thinking specifically of the “Suck My Dick” ensemble.

As I said, it’s a little advanced for some.

Very true. I guess we’ll address the obvious and most awkward topic now since you have to run – the pink lotus in the room, if you will. It’s been approximately 14 years since you released your last studio album.

That sounds right, yes. [Sips Lotustini.]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-QW2xzaPaE

You’ve promised your devoted, increasingly impatient Fighters every single year since that album’s release that your next album is…[shuffling through note cards] “coming soon.”

Mmhmm.

Christina Aguilera X6 Coming Soon

This year, you set the Internet ablaze with an Instagram story, in which you pledged the album is “coming bitches.”

HA!

So it’s…actually coming?

As a career artist, it’s all about playing the long game – it just keeps getting better. There’s a whole roster of newcomers on my label. I’ve insisted that all of their campaigns launch before mine so they can try to get a little media attention before I inevitably dominate the headlines. They’re trying their best. There’s the one who warms my seat on The Voice sometimes. The licker. What’s her–? Molly? Her. She put out something, I think. Someone named Tina Shay. I let them all have their moment. Even my old, dear friend Pink. It’s terrible what they did to her.

What? I thought she did pretty well.

Oh. You didn’t see? They wouldn’t let her perform on the American Music Awards. Wouldn’t even let her in the building! But she was just so damn determined that they actually caught her, live on camera, scaling the wall of the hotel next door to try and break into the venue. On national television! Red-handed, just dangling there in the air. Poor thing – but a true Fighter.

I think that was actually intenti–

Who else? Oh. I let them get Justin out of the way, too.

Yes, and what do you think of your former Mickey Mouse Club co-worker?

I don’t think of him, period. Although I did hear that he’s been showing up to awards shows endorsing #TimesUp, the social movement dedicated to taking down the shit-suck abusers of Hollywood, right after he happily went off and did that Woody Allen movie. Cute move, right? And now he’s eating bugs and hiding in the woods or something like that? Best of luck, sweetie.

If you could write a song to soundtrack the #TimesUp movement, would you?

I already did fifteen years ago. It’s called “Can’t Hold Us Down.”

Ahead of your time.

Hey, that’s what they SAY.

So, about the sound of your next albu–

[Ms. Goduilera abruptly left due to a scheduling conflict, but promised she would make time for another interview “soon.”]

Christina Aguilera Walk Away

Legendtina is an ongoing fan-fiction series. And if you don’t like it, fuck you.