LEGENDTINA NEWS NETWORK (Nashville, TN) —GRAMMY® Award-winning chanteuse, former employee of “asshole” Mickey Mouse and Starbucks Lover Legendtina “Christina” Maria Nina Desnudate Goduilera will release not one, but two new songs this month for the upcoming season of Nashville.

Having spent the past few months alternating between the red swivel throne on The Voice and memorizing her lines as Jade St. John, a fictional pop princess modeled after the success of Legend X herself [citation needed], the unstoppable Nashvilletina Blackhairguilera is now ready to present her game-changing foray into country music, a sound previously dabbled in by the diva with her forward-thinking #71 Lotus smash “Just A Fool,” featuring up-and-coming country act Blake Shelton.

On April 14, the TIME 100 Most Influential Artist Of Ever will release the first song, called “The Real Thing.”

When asked in an Excluusive phone interview with the LNN whether “The Real Thing” is in fact a country cover of former Voice judge Gwen Stefani‘s own 2004 Love. Angel. Music. Baby. song of the same name, the Bionic beauty went silent for a moment. “Sorry, who? Stefani?” she said, sounding puzzled. “Is that the newcomer I did the ‘Do Who U Do’ song with on the show that one time?”

“Shotgun” will be the second song released from the series on April 21, which the Unbreakable Flower revealed Excluusively to the LNN is about “the time Mandy Moore tried it with me backstage at TRL. HA!

The “Fighter” songstress, who is currently hard at work recording her Caviar Ratchet Lotus follow-up album, also had some special Excluusive parting words to prepare fans for her recurring role, which will begin during the April 15 episode:

“Fighters, bobbleheads and unbreakable flowers alike: Get ready to get dirrty with Jade SAY!-nt John. Yee-HAWAHHAHWAHWAHAHWwwWW!”

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