This early mornin’, in our darkest hour, our Brightest Morning Star has returned not a minute too soon — and she’s brought one devoted stan along for the (joy)ride.
It’s time to start downing potion, applying copious amounts of candy lotion, and pouring a shit ton of bubbles into that clawfoot bath: this is how The Legendary Miss Britney Spears throws a Slumber Party. We’re just lucky enough to be invited guests.
Leave your heels at the door and step inside. Do you dare to RSVP?
A decade after crash-landing into the neighbor’s yard to make a very questionable commitment decision in “My Prerogative” (people can take everything away from you, but they can never take away your pool), Britney returns for another mansion soirée…chauffeured this time. (She’s never been a passenger, no, but she’s since learned how to hand over the keys and just enjoy the ride.)
Sure, it might look like that car is creepily being driven by no one, but don’t be fooled: Sean Preston and Jayden James are taking turns under the driver’s seat pushing the pedals.
B-Girl arrives in her best faux fur and pussy bow, an obvious defiant response to the President-Elect’s crude language, ready to hunt for D and Pokémon alike in the massive mansion.
These guys are waiting are all like “Hey, look what I can do.” She remains unimpressed.
Inside, Britney bravely soldiers through her chronic, hair whip-induced whiplash as she steps onto the scene. Larry still thinks she’s at home icing her neck. Not toni-i-ight, Larry.
Bingo. She’s got her eye on you…and she’s not letting you get away.
As Britney’s busy stalking her prey throughout the party, this chick tries to pretend she’s Ariana Grande. Don’t worry: Britney sees right through the scam.
And the legendary courtship dance begins.
In time, Britney soon morphs into her latest evolution: Nasty Bitch Mommy Jenna Jameson Porno Ballerina “But I’m A Mother Now” Malibu Barbie.
Nightride princess Tinashe, having paid the super rare $5000 Lesbian Fantasy VIP package, arrives for the most personal Meet & Greet experience to date.
She is visibly shook, wigless and dead. We’re all shook for her.
WILLIE GOMEZ DA GAWD is in attendance as well — always on hand for a strong, sensible lift.
Ever the tireless LGBTQ warrior, Britney asserts her intention to fight for equality in the face of a potentially regressive administration. How? By getting really, really Homoeroticney.
In what can only be considered both a middle finger to the patriarchy and a protest against her stylist regarding the Piece Of Me footwear (can we just let the woman wear Sketchers the whole time?), Britney tosses her patent nude last a-season Jimmy Choo stiletto in the air — gone in an instant, just like the memory of “Pretty Girls.”
But now, Britney’s hungry — and thirsty.
Tinashe is hungry now, too. And when The Holy Spearit asks you to go down (and up and down) on her, that is just what you do.
For every iconic look, there is an equal and opposite hair flip: Godney’s law.
“I have kids now too, so everything is on a way lower scale. I’m actually a very boring person. I don’t go out. I don’t really do anything. I should be Mother Mary, seriously. I think my life has done a complete 360. Things are just different now. It’s a different time. It’s a different era.” – Britney Spears
Also Britney Spears:
It’s Lickney, bitch: the Holy Spearit’s tongue hits the table in what is obviously an homage to both Ashlee Simpson‘s “La La” and Christina Aguilera‘s largely unseen “Not Myself Tonight” video. Pure filth — but she’s a boring mother now, so.
Living in sin is the (not so) new thing: consider this an Illuminati “I’m A Slave 4 U” orgy in 2016. But she’s a boring mother now, so.
A multi-wig snatch, demonstrated.
Britney gets bored easily, and it’s clear that she’s over it with her mystery man. Sorry dude, but Tinashe’s way more fun to hang out with.
The overarching lesson of “Slumber Party,” of course, is that no mystery man with his spilled milk and a Harry Potter scar going down his face will set you free inside. Men, quite frankly, can suck your fucking toe. Just be happy in the now with you. And your friends. And your fans who are also your friends.
And remember, the actual best part of a slumber party is always the slumber itself. (Especially when someone makes you wait up until 3 AM.)
In spite of everything — #MakeMeOriginalGate, specifically — “Slumber Party” is one of Britney’s best videos in years: the visuals are gorgeous, the Vegasney dancing is fierce, the mood is artsy-fartsy, left lane and vibe-y. It’s the sensual and seductive, Eyes Wide Shut-meets-“Sweet Dreams” Circus Tour interlude visual this song deserved. (Only Britney would release one of her best and worst music videos in the same year.)
Furthermore, seeing Tinashe paired with Britney is a personal dream within a dream, and the fan-fiction-turned-into-reality is enough to have me seeing confetti, even without any potion. A legend blessing a devoted disciple? It’s a beautiful thing to see.
All hail Britnashe.