Hello fans, bobbleheads and birds of prey alike. It’s me.
…I think you already know my name.
It’s Thanksgiving Day once again, and I hope each and every one of you is getting stuffed.
Today, I graciously offer a more somber moment of reflejo than Thanksgiving Addresses of years past.
As you all well know, I spent the bulk of last year and this year tirelessly championing Democratic Party candidate Hillary Clinton in her fight to become our nation’s first female President. Yes, a LOTUS (Legend Of The United States) fighting for a POTUS. Because, like Christina Aguilera’s Woman, a scent radiating femininity©, I believe The Future Is Female. (I think I just came up with that? Someone put it on a shirt.)
In my tireless efforts to Make America Go Back To Basics Again, I invited fans of all walks of life to watch me sing for hours from the comfort of my own home for mere thousands of dollars.
But sometimes, the right man (or woman) doesn’t come out on top. Just look at the Billboard Hot 100 chart which, like anyone else, I refresh every hour: some dance duo named The Polesmokers and that creepy little girl from Stranger Things have been parked at No. 1 with a song called “Closer” for weeks. Who’s even heard of it? I know I haven’t.
So, yes: Hillary lost to an orange-colored, xenophobic Bobblehead named Donald Dump. But she’s still a #FIGHTER.
Don’t believe me? Here is an encouraging exchange I had with Mrs. Clinton just hours after her defeat.
I’m reminded of a similar time of hopelessness, when the world was cast in a shadow of fear, anger and confusion: the year was 2012. The category was Best Compilation Soundtrack for Visual Media. The album, Burlesque: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack.
The winner? Something called Boardwalk Empire. To this day, I still don’t know if that’s a man or a woman, to be honest.
But we recovered. We endured. We remain (is now available on iTunes).
As a proud half-Ecuadorian, bicurious-when-intoxicated woman, mother and philanthropist, I’m scared for this country. And as a lifelong CockyBoys subscriber and The Abbey’s first-ever Gay Walk Of Fame inductee (choke on it, Germanotta), I’m keenly aware of the need to protect the LGBTQLETTHEREBELOVE+ community, including Brandon, who runs this very website, WhoMuse. (You’d think the dumbass would change his site’s password to something other than “iluvbritney” by now.)
We must go on, and I’m here to stand stronger than ever, lift us up and fight — mainly because I have new music coming out next year.
My long-awaited, breathlessly anticipated Spanish language album, tentatively titled Mi Relejo, La Segunda Vez: Keeps Getting Reflejier, as well as my new forward-thinking caviar ratchet studio album, tentatively titled Build A Wall Around My Middle Finger, is due out later in 2017.
I know the wait has proven to be painful for my fans, and it might seem as though I’ve been delaying new music for years, but don’t worry: I plan to unveil the release dates for these albums on the same day that the President-Elect releases his tax returns.
It’s important to be grateful on a day like today, in spite of so many people letting us down on a daily basis, including my good-for-shit assistant who is currently staring over my shoulder watching me type instead of getting me my morning Lotustini and if she doesn’t start sprinting downstairs right now I’m going to turn around and smack her right — okay, she left.
I’m thankful for so very much this year: my prolific career, including my latest No. 1 US Dance Club Songs and No. 38 Belgium Urban smash “Telepathy,” which has not only resuscitated the dying genre of disco, but helped to revive the career of my frequent song co-writer and dear personal friend, Sia. Maybe now she can afford a new wig. HA!
I’m thankful for my babies, who I can hear dutifully practicing Mommy’s How To Sing Masterclass in the next room.
And I’m thankful for my gut instinct as a versatile industry icon, which has never once told me “hey, your fans would love if you picked up a guitar and a cowboy hat and did a whole country-rock album.” (I don’t know where I’m getting that from, but I’m thankful I’ve never once thought it.)
Sure, we all officially hit rock bottom in 2016. But if I know anything about bottoms — have you met my fans? — it’s that there’s always a top to climb just around the corner. (Also, participate in local elections.)
So please, keep the faith, Little Dreamers. You know how the classic SAY!-ing goes: if you’re going through Hell, buy Bionic.
Happy Thanksgiving. You’re welcome,
PS: My new album, Lotus, is available now on iTunes.
PPS: Let us leave off on a high note, quite literally, with my rendition of our nation’s national anthem. Oh SAY!, can you sing these notes in February, Taylor? HA!