And now: The 2011 MTV VMA’s Tribute to Britney Spears.
As with anything Spears-related, there was a whole lot of hype beforehand: Would Godney take to the VMA stage once again in a moment of redemption with a triumphant, show-stopping performance of “Hold It Against Me”? Would the stage be crawling with A-list pop stars paying tribute to Britney, including some weird, stupid Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez, Miley Cyrus 3-way action as promulgated by the overly horny rumor mongers of BreatheHeavy’s stan-o-torium, Exhale? No, no…there was none of that whatsoever.
After an awkwardly long introductory speech by Lady Gaga–I’m sorry, I mean Jo Calderone (which was more or less just a speech about Britney’s influence on, well, Lady Gaga), a tiny fleet of little ladies ran out to deliver their, err…homage: A dance!
In what must have been…oh I don’t know, approximately 45 seconds, the little girls served us their best Baby’s First Hip-Hop Recital moves against a turbo speed mega-mix of the teensiest sliver of Britney’s musical output over the past 13 years. It was pretty cute, aside from the unforgivable ‘sexy’ gyrations that would have Pedobear grinning from ear to ear.
But don’t worry: There’s more! Out trudged Gaga once again–sorry, Jo Calderone, ugh–to present the award to a beaming-but-clearly-nervous Britney.
I’m sorry, did I say present? I meant deliver the world’s most indulgent, annoying character piece (that mercifully carried on throughout the entire night!) while sneering, laying on gross flirty lines and giving Britney those incredibly rape-y bedroom eyes. Soon enough, the two awkwardly stood eye-to-eye, just about to kiss. But from somewhere deep within, Britney looked to the light and saw Jesus: She pulled away and rejected the Gaga, exclaiming: “No, I’ve done that already!”
Ha HA! So funny! Love you, Brit Brit! And then she took to the microphone and started…introducing Beyonce! Because apparently introducing Beyonce to the stage is the new acceptance speech! And then she…um, kept praising Beyonce! And then Gaga started talking about…Beyonce! And then everyone just sort of looked around…and then Beyonce took to the stage! And that was it.
Wait…WHAT?!
Now look: I’m not shading the little ladies that danced. Good job, girls! Good job. But as for the rest of this hot mess express: REALLY?! Of the entire “tribute,” 60% of the time was dedicated to Gaga’s showy performance as Jo Calderone, 35% an introduction to Beyonce’s upcoming performance, and 5% actual dedication to The Holy Spearit.
Simply put, there was no actual tribute to Britney during the MTV Tribute to Britney Spears. Sure, there were some little ones dancing to her videos, but that’s nothing I don’t already serve up on a nightly basis alone in my room in my underwear. A 30 second video message beamed in from Madonna or Janet Jackson would have been a hundred times more legendary, or even 10 seconds of Britney saying something about her decade-long career other than a humble “Thank you” and shout-out to Michael Jackson in between Gaga’s awful rambling. ANYTHING!
As a lifelong fan of Spears, the tribute was nothing short of an insult.
Later in the night, we would watch as Katy Perry accepted the award for “Firework” as the Best Video of the Year while wearing a giant yellow block on her head, thus–as I tweeted earlier–skillfully placing a giant fail-sized cheese cherry on top of this truly incredible shit sundae.
As Britney once said in For The Record: I’m sad.