BOW DOWN.
Inside a sprawling chateau in Hollywood, the buxom blonde sits quietly typing at her 1996 IBM wearing a studded diaper, a crown and a sparkling corset.
“‘I’ve never done this sort of thing before’ says Harry, as he leans in and tenderly kisses Louis on the mouth,” Legendtina writes down in her Xanga. Flustered, she orders her assistant over, who waves a Bionic promotional fan at her face.
After a few hours, she minimizes the One Direction erotica she’s been feverishly writing and logs onto Twitter. Login: “TheRealXtina.” Password: “MariahCareyIsFat69besos.” 300,000 responses since 9 AM. Legend, she notes quietly to herself before clicking on the “@ Mentions” tab.
Suddenly, she spits out all of her wine onto the monitor.
Old Christina. Old Christina. OLD CHRISTINA.
“I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF THAT IS A MAN OR A WOMAN!” Legendtina barks, throwing her Bionic promotional chalice at her assistant’s face and launching into a uncontrollable yodel note that lasts for 17 seconds. “Returned?!” she yelps.
No, Legendtina. Ignore this lesser–you’ve got a decade of hits, she thinks to herself. It keeps getting better. “WHAT IS AN ARTPOP, EVEN?!” she screams.
After several hours, she finally collects herself: “Thank you fan, @LadyGaga,” Legendtina slowly responds–her fingers shaking with rage at the keyboard–“Do you make music too? Buy #YourBody on iTunes now! -XoXtina.” Sent.
She minimizes Twitter, takes a deep breath and launches iTunes. Carefully, she stalks the Top 100 music chart. “WTF is a Gangnam Style? -XoXtina” she notes down in her Stripped notepad. And then, there it is: “Your Body,” #4. A chill seizes the entire room.
“MAX!” she bellows, as her toddler comes wobbling innocently into the room. “LET US NOT FORGET: Who owns the throne?” she demands.
“You do, mommy,” he sighs. How many times must I validate this sad woman’s existence, he ponders to himself while looking down and flicking the Play-Doh off of his overalls. Quietly, he retires to the living room and–after glancing left to right–quickly bends down and slides his Twister Dance box out from under the couch. “Ready to rock da spots, Godney,” he whispers.
Back in the Back to Basics Study, Legendtina stares murderously at her bruised assistant. “Is there–is there anything else I can do for you? Do you want something to eat?” he asks, trembling. “Yes, lesser,” she responds after a while. “I want sex for breakfast.”
His screams are barely audible above the cackling as Legendtina reapplies another coat of Blu-Red lipstick.
“Your Body” was released on September 17. (iTunes)