Press releases from recording artists are fairly straightforward.

Usually — almost always, really — they’re used to announce a new single, a new album, a new fragrance, a new achievement, a new partnership, a new single-album-App, a new…whatever. A new thing is coming, and it’s undoubtedly Important and Exciting and worthy of being breathlessly announced in a wildly outrageous, hyperbolic manner because someone paid for this particular nugget of knowledge to be thrust upon the world for everyone to know.

Today’s single paragraph press release from Toni Braxton, however, is surely my favorite of the week (so far).

LOS ANGELES (July 24, 2013) – Six-time GRAMMY Award-winning singer, songwriter…


…record producer, actress and philanthropist…


…Toni Braxton…


…has confirmed that her divorce is final following a 12-year marriage to Keri Lewis…


The couple has had an amicable split and will still both be actively involved in raising their two sons, 11-year-old Denim and 10-year-old Diezel.

End press release.


Alternate idea for next time, Miss Braxton: Just release a blazing 2013 remix of “He Wasn’t Man Enough” instead.