“I’d really love to talk,” the text reads. “It’s Perezito, ur fave.”
Legendtina wrinkles her nose in disgust. She could smell the desperation reeking from her LG Lotus screen. It was the fifth apology sent that hour — after midnight, no less! The “Blessed” diva scowls and tosses her phone to the floor as she rolls back into bed, pulling the pink curtains stolen from the set of the “Your Body” single cover shoot above her head.
But the texts keep coming. Enough is enough, she decides. It’s time to give him — and all the others — a taste of my lotus.
Sitting up, Legendtina swivels her legs over the bed and onto the floor, sending a promotional Burlesque antique lamp crashing to the floor while doing so. She dips her feet into her nighttime Louboutins and saunters over to the dusty 1996 IBM in the corner of her boudoir. As it boots up, the old machine drones and clicks and clacks to the tune of “Come On Over (All I Want Is You).” After 20 minutes, a Photoshopped photo of a nude Liam Payne from One Direction suddenly flashes across the screen.
“SAY!” she screams, immediately muffling her Grammy Award-winning voice so as not to wake Baby Max. “Clear the search history,” she angrily whispers to herself, furious at the folly.
1:18 AM Legendtina clicks on Lotus Notes and opens up a Blank Page.
“The Lotus Manifesto: For Fans, Frenemies and All True Lovers Of Music”
Satisfied with the title, she sits back and wraps her fingers around a chalice of red wine resting neatly on a stack of unsold copies of Bionic. After a moment of silence, her eyes widen. She forgot: The Monday Morning wake-up call for The Voice. There was no time to lose.
4:23 AM. The legend has been at it for nearly three hours now, so she decides to review what she’s written so far.
A good start, she thinks to herself. Normally this would suffice — but she needed to rise up and dig deep into her inner unbreakable flower. More soul-bearing. More honest. More vulnerable. This needed to be…Stripped.
It’s a beautiful and special thing getting to meet who you do along the way…flop bloggers, vocalists of lesser talent like Molly Cyrus and Celine Gomez, and true lovers of music who share the same love of my music.
It is a complicated and rare multifaceted art form. Inspired by purest of intention and emotion — which is not to be confused with ARTPOP, which is a complicated and rare form of multifaceted Illuminati devil noise, iPhone Apps and RedOne, inspired by self-congratulation and David Bowie.
While commentary is only temporary. The noise fades, while my song remains the same. One to remember and I quote…”Never mind, screw him, I make myself so much wetter.”
I’ve heard you guys go to bat for me, which is nice — I too go to bat for me. You’re so strong and I do the same for those I truly care about & believe in. Always remember…greatness and quality speaks for itself. I would know a thing or two about that — I do sing “Beautiful,” after all. I never feel the need to defend my own work or myself. Or my purpose behind it. We all serve our own purpose in our own unique way, and don’t always need to explain why we are who we are, love what we love and do what we do. All that being said, I would sincerely appreciate if someone could please explain the phrase “super turnt up” to me.
4:54 AM. After a quick break for Bits ‘N Pieces, inspiration strikes the “Soar” songstress again.
She opens up Netscape and types into the browser: “https://twitter.com/Notebook.” Her eyes hungrily scan through the assorted platitudes and cliches, copying and pasting sentences into the document and tweaking the language ever-so-slightly.
“Love is all you need — assuming you already own Bionic on vinyl.”
“If he’s not dirrty, then maybe he just can’t hold you down.”
“The mirror in front of one’s ‘Woohoo’ is always a reflejo of one’s ‘Vanity.'”
“Don’t rush anything. When the time is right, you’ll buy Lotus on iTunes.”
4:59 AM. Legendtina sits back in her red swivel hair and mists herself briefly with Secret Potion. Still feeling weary, she stares outside the lair window. She makes out the outline of a wild pheasant resting atop her castle wall — or was it just Cher?
She looks back at the computer screen. Still feeling like the document reads slightly too short, she closes her eyes and, like her oldest friend (Madonna), trusts the voice within.
Blessed, dreams, wishes and Birds Of Prey. The reason I love you all is because blessed inspiration and hardship through determination leads to blessed challenges that beautiful music can only survive on the blessings of family and also.
5:43 AM. Page count: 49 pages. Nearly done. She would need to finish soon if she was going to hide all those thumbtacks under Adam Levine‘s seat.
Live life in peace and enjoy your Elastic Love. Seek the good things that make you happy. Listen to the people and music that make you Desnudate. What it is that inspires you to laugh, dance and Sing For Me. Tune out what doesn’t, and the Bobbleheads along the way. They’ll always be there as bonus tracks. That energy is a waste of #LotusPromo. Life is too short to allow a second of it to slip away that’s not enjoyed. Surround yourself and apply your energy to #JusticeForBionic and the people who REALLY matter around you, like Baby Max.
Every day, we all have a greater and bigger purpose to feel this moment — assuming I get mine, you get yours. It’s our responsibility to ourselves…to those we care about and who care about us, to stay open and keep discovering the new adventures that await us.
And of course, to rise up, lotus, rise. This is the beginning.
Legendtina is an ongoing fan-fiction series — and if you don’t like it, fuck you.