Go call the police. Go call the guh-va-nuh. (Go call the United States Congress too while you’re at it.)
It’s time to leave your big mansion, hop into your Bugattis, Lamborghinis and Maseratis, sip your mah-tinis, slip into a buh-kini and party in France. Why?
Because The Legendary Miss Britney Spears just premiered the Ben Mor-directed music video for “Work Bitch” on America’s most urban channel, The CW Network.
Oh wait, I’m sorry. You don’t have all of those things already? Well, then…
YOU BETTER WORK, BITCH.
SAND AND DELIVER
Following her Good Morning America announcement, Britney has decided to casually wander into the desert with some dancers to announce her upcoming residency, Britney Spears: Piece of Me — otherwise known as Live In Las Vegasney: The Bitch Is Back.
Why the desert? Because it’s Britney, bitch. That’s fucking why. You wanna?
NOW GET TO WORK, BITCH.
Britney’s having a fine time soaking in the sun with her dancers. If she could, she’d spend the whole day here steaming like a pot of vegetables while showing off her hot bodeh. But she can’t. Why? Because she needs to #WORKBXXCH.
And so, the sensual seductress begins to do some #WorkBXXCH with some subtle fragrance promo — as do All Good Britney Music Videos. In the desert, you need to smell your very best. Care for some Desert Fantasy?
This is also an allusion to Britney’s Sia-penned ballad “Perfume,” which is one of the songs Britney really likes from her upcoming eighth studio album out in December, tentatively titled Blackout 2.0: It Gets Urbaner And Also More Spearitual And A Little More Personal (Raw).
OASIS FROM UNDER
Oh, yeah. There’s also a small oasis in the middle of the desert — and some new friends.
You see, Lady Gaga left her “Poker Face” dancers there to die because they weren’t ARTPOP enough.
Britney, however, is far too Benevolentney to let anyone suffer, and so she kindly blesses them by pointing them in the general direction toward salvation — otherwise known as Planet Hollywood in Las Vegas.
But there’s no more time for charity work. That’s right: She’s about to work. In 3…2…1…
GOOD GODNEY. SHE’S DANCING.
Britney “Hotney Jean Godney” Spears is not just giving you Spearitual armography this time around. She is giving you hip-thrusting, body-twerking, hair-flipping cardio movement. Energy. THE FIRE IN THE EYES.
ME (STILL) AGAINST THE MUSIC
We’re in a hotel now across from Planet Hollywood — or is it the newly refurbished location of the “Me Against The Music” video? It doesn’t matter. Why? Because she has to #WORKBXXCH.
And so, she begins to break it the fuck down…
…and down and up and down and up and down…
OOPS!…SHE SLAYED IT AGAIN.
Yes, that’s a BFB — a Britney Floor Bend (not to be confused with a Big Fat Bass) — just like the one she did in the video for “Me Against The Music.”
You see? That’s right, from exactly 10 years ago. Britney homage. (IT’S CALLED A BROMAGE.)
S-S-S & M-M-M
But enough of that for now.
B-Girl’s thirst for all things lace, leather and bondage wasn’t fully satisfied by her Circus Tour “Sweet Dreams” interlude, nor her “S&M” collaboration with Illuminati Princess Rihanna, so Godney asked Ben Mor to find some assorted lesser-basics to slap around and punish for not doing #WORKBXXCH.
Hey, everybody’s got their freaky tendencies… (REFERENCE)
This one didn’t choose her own destiny.
This one didn’t buy VIP meet and greet tickets to Britney Spears: Piece Of Me.
And this one? Well, this one forgot to buy “Work Bitch” on iTunes.
…BABY ONE MORE FLIP
Growing Pensiveney for a moment, Britney retreats into an enchanted cave with a “Criminal”-esque doorway inside. (Are we still in the desert? JUST STOP ASKING QUESTIONS.) There was some sort of #WORKBXXCH she was still forgetting to do.
There hasn’t been nearly enough time for hair flips, she realizes. Something must be done at once.
There we go.
Trip To Your Shark
Having decided to wander away from the madness in the desert, Britney inadvertently finds herself in a giant vat of water collected from the rain during her “…Baby One More Time” finale on the Dream Within A Dream Tour. She’s also done a quick change into a (drop dead) beautiful pink bondage tape flowing dress.
She is a stunning, iconic goddess. We collectively bow down and remain deeply, deeply unworthy.
But alas, trouble lurks: She’s surrounded by sharks! This is what true lovers of literature refer to as “a metaphor.” The sharks represent the evil media outlets preying on her every move, the endless critics, the lesser-basic pop princesses and and the thirsty Twitter gays eager to take a shady bite for a retweet.
She towers above them all, Confidentney. She is the One True Queen. (This scene alone will inspire several new fragrances, including Curious Shark, Jaws Radiance and Chum Fantasy.)
LIVING LEGEND, YOU CAN LOOK BUT DON’T TOUCH
Having established her position on the throne yet again, Godney borrows Kathy Perry‘s Prism to keep it moving higher and higher and make a final defining statement. She holds the reigns of all the lesser-basics. Why? Because she’s like the ringleader. She calls the shots.
At first glance, it might appear that Britney is simply holding the reigns to her talented fleet of dancers…
THIS IS A THING I HAVE FOUND FROM THE INTERNET IT IS A JOKE PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME MORE DEATH THREATS
Closer inspection, however, reveals that the dancers are none other than an assortment of lesser Britney stans — including Kathy Perry, Larry Gaga and Molly Cervix.
MY FACE NO LONGER LIKE A MANNEQUIN
They try to keep up…
…until they can’t take it, take it no more.
GAME OVER, BITCHES.
Pop princesses from across the globe have begun scurrying madly to try and find their wigs. Unemployment lines are thinning out rapidly. And Congress itself is now rushing back to Washington DC for an emergency government reboot upon taking Britney’s sage words to heart.
And there you have it: The “Work Bitch” music video.
Of course, “Work Bitch” is yet another incredible, iconic video to add to the Spearitual videography. She continues to serve in video form — but it’s actually even more than that this time.
Even though she doesn’t need to prove it to anyone (or ever dance again, really), Britney danced. It was the hardest she’s done in years. Sure, it wasn’t THE MOVES that we once got, but she’s visibly putting in effort again — she worked, bitch. There was floor choreography. I’m not here to hear complaints: Those who whine about the loss of “I’m A Slave 4 U”-era Britney are the same ones who likely bemoan the lack of music videos on MTV. We get it already. Grow up, get over it and realize that there is still a VERY MUCH AMAZING pop star in front of them, still working (bitch) and remaining the best pop star in the world.
The visuals are just gorgeous. The desert? So hot. The S&M scenes? Gagging — literally. It looked like a Beats Pill-sponsored version of Christina‘s “Not Myself Tonight” at one point. (In a good way, duh.)
She herself, of course, looks stunning. She always looks stunning, but she looks fucking stun-ning. Remember: This Work Bitch just celebrated the 15th anniversary of her debut. Two babies. And still, she continues to serve all of the girls.
While I would have liked the editing to focus on her moves for a split second longer, everything else truly exceeded whatever I could have hoped for. I mean, come on. SHARKS?! Already my favorite. But sharks and Britney Spears? Quite literally all my (circus/midnight/hidden) fantasies put into one.
‘Twas a dream within a dream, and a true POP video as only Britney Spears could ever provide. She is simply in a league of her own. The bitch is back and better than ever, as one might say. I’m so proud of her, and so happy with the end result.
For now and forever, my Queen.
(Oh, and JoJo stans for it too. Any alternative opinions are officially null and void.)
UPDATE: Oh yeah, and Britney officially approves of this review.
“Work Bitch” was released on September 16. (iTunes)