GIVE ME ALL YOUR TEMPERED OPTIMISM.

It’s official, straight from the Queen of Everything herself — Madonna is coming to the Grammys.

This should be a reason to celebrate (HOLIDA-AY!), but I’m mostly just terribly nervous.

Why? I suffer from a condition known as Post-MDNA Stress Disorder, brought about by LMFAO, arm socks and Nicki Minaj.

My deepest and most unholy fears include, but are not limited to: A surprise “Roar” duet with #secretprojectrevolution #artforfreedom #MadonnaComeToBrazil spokeswoman Katy Perry, an acoustic performance of Live Earth theme “Hey You” with Pharrell and, of course, anything to do with will.i.am or Pitbull. (They may not be on the official performers’ list, but it doesn’t matter — they don’t follow the laws of human decency.)

My greatest hopes and dreams include, but are not limited to: A powerhouse “***Flawless/Partition” performance with Beyoncé, which would be quite (appropriately) legendary, a 10 year anniversary “Me Against The Music” tribute with Godney, the unveiling of hot new teen-pop duo Lorde-Lourdes, and a 2-hour encore of The Confessions Tour from start to finish.

What do we know so far?

She’s wielding a guitar, which already feels like a threat (see above), and she’s sitting behind Katy Perry…

madonna-katy

…And yes, she’s still wearing that fucking grill.

MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN OUR FAVOR.