The 2014 Billboard Music Awards! That happened tonight. What happened, exactly? I don’t know. Something about imaginary dragons, I think? And something called Rising Star. And also an uncomfortable Michael Jackson hologram! (Let’s keep the hologram pop stars limited to Hatsune Miku, shall we?)
Ariana Grande zipped into her knee-high patent leather boots for a performance of “Problem” with Iggy Azalea, who performed “Fancy” in a cheerleading outfit with Charli XCX. Cute and fun! Plus, Kesha Rose made a glorious comeback…by promoting her upcoming stint as a judge on Rising Star, which is — uh, hey, didn’t she look GORGEOUS tonight?!
But by far, the most Important And Interesting event of the night came at the show’s very, very end: Jennifer Lopez AKA Jenny From The Block AKA Lola AKA J.Lo’s Iconic Icon Award performance.
At the very beginning of the night, we were shook to our core by an unexpected announcement: “Special appearance by Britney Spears!”
Huh…special ah-WHA-nah? Suddenly, the award show became relevant.
In true Britney stan-watching-an-award-show fashion, our hopes and dreams were dashed by the hour: Would it be a show-stopping stream of “Freakshow” with Adore Delano at last night’s Piece Of Me? No? Okay, how about a 10 second Skype session filmed whilst waiting in line at the Planet Hollywood Starbucks? No? Okay, what about a 3 second on-screen GIF from For The Record? Still no? How about a 2 second photo reveal by 200 fans in a sad, cold desert? NO?
NO. What happened was EVEN MORE INCREDIBLE: A millisecond appearance during a montage of celebrities saying cool, fun and urban things about Iconic Icon Award winner, Jennifer Lopez.
“I’m such a huge fan of yours,” The Holy Spearit charitably #blessed the “Hold It, Don’t Drop It” songstress, rocking her signature blue turtleneck and parted Meet & Greetney wig — her most personal and urban compliment to date.
I’M. SUCH. A. HUGE. FAN. OF. YOURS.
Like a Beyoncé sneak attack iTunes release, not a single soul was prepared. Some wept. Some cried. And ultimately, the show was saved. #BritneySlayedTheBBMAs
And then, J.Lo performed her AKA Max Martin jam, “First Love.”
Here’s the thing about Jennifer Lopez, which I’ve said time and time again: As a live act, she runs laps around the girls half her age. Is she a vocal powerhouse? Let’s not get crazy. She’s an entertainer — A CERTIFIABLY AMAZING POP STAR, which is an incredibly endangered species in this dire musical landscape.
I mean…that ferocious silhouette entrance alone! HELLO.
She did some singin’, some mayjah dancin’ and some entertainin’ — and of course, some luhin’ of her papi. And she did it, did it, did it well! She owns the stage. Jennifer Lopez has wattage. She has actual star power!
She is an icon, and that’s that. Because if you’re shading Jennifer Lopez’s musical career, you’re shading “Waiting For Tonight.” And if you shade “Waiting For Tonight,” I inherently do not trust you as a person.
I luh ya, mami! Now get on that Britney duet — “I’m Real (And Such A Huge Fan Of Yours).”