NEW ORLEANS, LA (LEGENDTINA NEWS NETWORK) — Mother, Red Hot Kinda Lover and Jazz Music National Treasure Legendtina Maria Nina Desnudate Goduilera delivered a sensational headlining set at the New Orleans Jazz & Heritage Festival over the weekend, in what The Jazz Academy of Music is now calling the most important contribution to jazz since the invention of the trumpet.
Dressed in a fitted houndstooth jacket, a black fedora and sparkly glitter leggings stolen from the set of 2010’s NewNowNext Award-winning Burlesque, the very pregnant Back To Basics legend belted out a series of tunes — both new and old — for the true lovers of jazz gathered to witness history in the making.
“Oh, we were absolutely floored, to be honest!” one Jazz Fest stagehand breathlessly remarked to the LNN following the showcase. “I wasn’t actually aware of just how many hats you needed to juggle as a jazz artist. Quite literally — she made us hold about 12 different hats for her offstage. It was really inspiring, even when she called me a worthless human dumpster after I dropped one by accident.”
But with so many jazz numbers in her repertoire, was the Mi Reflejo songstress able to deliver them all in a single set? “Look, it look the Lord six days to create the Heavens and the Earth. I had one night,” she cackled during an Excluusive interview with the LNN inside her decadent Jazz Fest trailer. “Of course I didn’t have enough time — but I did what I could.”
What was it like with The Heir To The Throne on board in her belly while performing? “Oh, this is all just part of the training,” she purred to us, stroking her belly and smiling warmly. “The unbreakable lotus in me…I shall soon set free.”
The Back To Basics icon cycled through several of the classics from her catalog, from “Dirrty” to “Come On Over,” “Candyman” to “Fighter,” “What A Girl Wants” to pop’s original LGBT anthem, “Beautiful.” “You hear about a lot of songs on the radio these days about tolerance and SAY!-lf-empowerment,” Legendtina explained, rolling her eyes. “Comes off as insincere, if you ask me. So I wanted to remind the audience of what a true lover of tolerance sounds like…and what it sounds like is a four octave range deep-throating a microphone. HA!”
Donning a feathery metallic crown fashioned out of unsold copies of Bionic, the iconic “Woohoo” diva tore into her Moulin Rouge classic “Lady Marmalade” at one point, rendering the song’s lesser participants irrelevant by masterfully singing every part of the song — all while sassily strutting and playfully whipping a white boa around the stage. “All my ladies…SAY!” she roared, ushering in a fifth wave of feminism while doing so.
The legend didn’t stop at her own prolific back catalogue, however.
Never one to settle for just one genre, the Risen Lotus sang several covers of several classics from across the musical spectrum, including Nina Simone‘s “Be My Husband,” “Whole Lotta Love” by Led Zeppelin, B.B. King‘s “The Thrill is Gone,” “It’s A Man’s World” by James Brown and of course, “At Last” by Etta James.
“As the primary influence on today’s generation of rising stars, I felt it was only right to pay tribute to the legends that have inspired me on my journey,” she noted in between bites of her Come On Over Baby Burritos, a savory new offering from her upcoming maternity nutrition line, Pregnantina.
Which legends, exactly, was she referring to? “The names are escaping me now,” she continued before suddenly spitting out a piece of her burrito into the crowd. “The fuck? Is this tofu? I ASKED FOR BEEF,” she roared, tossing the wrapper at a nearby assistant “I’m sorry, where was I again?”
As with every performance of Etta’s “At Last,” Legend X held the song’s final triumphant melisma for approximately 37 minutes, during which time Adele announced, then quickly cancelled her forthcoming studio album, 25. “I just can’t compete,” the now-retired Adele admitted the LNN in an Excluusive statement. “Who could?”
Ever the philanthropist, the reigning Queen of Billboard Hot 100 Features also worked in several of her own co-helmed productions, including “Moves Like Jagger” and “Feel This Moment” — opting to remove any trace of the original artist’s vocals and instead forcing her dancers to bust a move to fill in the song gaps.
“I just felt like for the true lovers of jazz out there, it wasn’t necessary to feel those moments. You know, I’m such a huge fan of Balloon 5 and Pissbowl, but ultimately, I’m the only one with any actual soul on those tracks.”
And as for her on-stage duet with A Great Big World‘s Ian Axel for “Say Something”? “Who?” she asked, looking puzzled.
Already, Legendtina’s impact on the music industry is being felt more than ever: Jazz record stores around the country are reporting huge surges in sales, while thousands of college undergraduates are quickly transferring out of math and science majors into Jazz Studies. And, according to a LNN poll of regional hospitals, the name “Jazztina” has officially taken the top spot on the list of popular female baby names in 2014.
When asked about her overall experience at Jazz Fest, Legendtina paused and looked down, looking reflective before unleashing a loud belch. “Sorry! That was the voice within,” she cackled, pointing at her pregnant belly.
“You’re welcome, fans.”