Who knew Jason Derulo would be Pop’s Most Influential Artiste Of 2014?

This morning, Girls Aloud goddess, street dancing icon and professional L’Oreal Paris hair flipper Cheryl “Chezza” Cole mercifully blessed us with the radio premiere of “Crazy Stupid Love,” the lead single from her upcoming fourth studio album.

And now, here’s the 3:30 AM rundown.

1.) The song kicks off with a “La-la-la-la-la-la-love” — which is not to be confused with the “roo-doo-doo-da-doo” of Nicole Scherzinger‘s “Your Love.” (#HOT NEW TREND: BLABBER-NONSENSE.)

2.) The beat is a stomp. A sassy tambourine ‘n drum stomp. That is….until it happens. That’s right…

A FASHIONABLE HORN BREAK.

Like Jason Derulo’s global smash “Talk Dirty,” followed by Ariana Grande‘s summer sax-y smash “Problem,” the sax break is evidently The New Thing To Be Overly Abused In Pop. So much sax. SO MUCH SAX. Is it best sax? It might not be the best sax. (It’s also not the first time Cheryl’s lead single sounded a little familiar — “Call My Name” did bite from Rihanna‘s “We Found Love,” after all.)

3.) Tinie Tempah‘s on the track, doing the rap thing as one does. But it’s his final statement within his verse that matters most: “SHE HAD MY D – NOW SHE DICKMATISED.” Dickmatised. Or is it dickmatized? Who can definitively decide the correct spelling of “dickmatis(z)ed” for us? Regardless, this is ARTPOP.

4.) Out of thoughts. Don’t make me think anymore. It’s 3:30 AM.

Err. At least this sort of song will make for a great live performance, no?

UPDATE: As of 10 AM, the song is just not very good, and it is not getting any better. :(

DICKMATISED.

crazy-stupid-dance-cheryl

“Crazy Stupid Love” will be released on July 20. (iTunes)