The video for Ariana Grande‘s Break Free” has arrived. Check it out!

Oh, fuck. That’s Britney‘s “Oops!…I Did It Again” video. Sorry! Here it is. Love the part when she uses her boobs to shoot something!

Oh, wait. That’s Britney’s cameo in Austin Powers. Here it is, the actual, real video for Ariana Grande’s Break Free.”

I didn’t want to do this, but look: The video is cute and “cheesy” and fine, and obviously Ariana is a very pretty girl, but…I can’t stan. It’s a poor, uncomfortably “sexy” Lolita 2014 “Oops!” imitation. This is not stan-worthy!

A MTV executive recently declared that Ariana is, essentially, the modern day Britney.

Hush. Just. STOP! This is not legendary. The children don’t know. They just don’t KNOW!

When Britney was 20 (19 at the time, actually), she was dancing to “I’m A Slave 4 U” on the 2001 MTV VMAs. When Janet Jackson was 20, she released Control. When Mariah Carey was 20(-ish), she released her entirely co-written self-titled debut, including “Vision Of Love.” Ariana’s cute, but to even slightly compare her to any of these industry veterans? It’s laughable.

Then again, perhaps I’m just officially too old for this shit.

And in that case, this is the part when I break free.