There comes a point in every man’s life when the Living Legend he’s worshipped for nearly two decades ties a leash around his neck, throws him down on all fours and drags him across the stage of her Las Vegas residency.
That moment, for me, came last weekend. But more on that in just a moment!
Because first, we need to discuss the Legendary Miss Britney Spears and her desire for another taste of a poison paradise (REFERENCE).
During the final show of the latest Piece Of Me leg before her summer break (read: two months straight of taking the boys to the skate park and watching Sex & The City in bed with Charlie), the Pretty Girl™ selected none other than eternal hottie Tyson Beckford — who you’ll no doubt remember as the Moto Man who gave our flame-haired Queen a ride in the iconic video for “Toxic” — to be her “Freakshow” victim of the night.
Boom, boom baybeh!
— Britney Spears (@britneyspears) May 21, 2015
So cute, right? Here’s hoping they recreated this moment immediately afterward:
And as for the lucky victim Britney selected for Saturday night’s show?
That was, uh…me.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Did that actually happen?
A: Yes, it did.
Q: What is it like to be on stage with Britney Spears?
A: Genuinely one of the most fun experiences of my life.
Q: What is one thing people don’t know about being the “Freakshow” slave?
A: Britney is making silly faces at you whenever her back is facing the crowd.
Q: Did I hear that last part of the video correctly? Did she really call you cute?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Does this mean that you and Tyson Beckford have shared the same harness?
A: Yes, it does. See you at The Eagle, sweetie!
Q: Is that meet and greet photo real?
A: Yes, it is real.
Q: Is that the first time you ever met her after 17 tireless years of stanning?
A: Yes, yes it is.
Q: What did you say to her?
A: I told her that she is the only person I know who has the same initials as me (BJS), and that I bet she couldn’t put her initials on her backpack as kid either, because “BJs.”
Q: You didn’t actually reference blowjobs during your meet and greet with Britney, did you?
A: I literally did.
Q: What did she do?
A: She laughed and said: “That’s funny.”
Q: Britney Spears thinks you’re funny?
A: Britney Spears thinks I’m funny and cute.
Q: Is that why she looks so comfortable in the photo, as though she’d just been laughing?
A: Yes, yes it is.
Q: Are blowjob jokes the secret to a good meet and greet photo?
A: Yes, I believe they are.
Q: What did she smell like?
A: Sweet…surely a Fantasy of some sort. Urban Fantasy, perhaps.
Q: Is everything, everything…
A: Still a blur? Yes, it is.
Q: Can you elaborate further about the experience overall?
A: I will…in an upcoming video.
Q: Are you dead?
A: Yes, I am dead.
Q: Will anything be the same?
A: No, nothing ever will.
Q: Can you even?
A: No, I really can’t.
The full story behind my Most Personal Spearitual Journey To Date is even more crazy (I just can’t sleep) than what you’ve already seen and heard, but…
(It’s coming soon-ish, though. Promise.)