With each and every one of Girls Aloud‘s greatest bangers, there was always a distinct sense that the whole production could spin out into sheer, uncontrollable chaos at any second. “Sexy! No No No…”? “Biology”? “Every Now And Then”? All completely insane! But always holding on dearly to pop brilliance by just a teeny, tiny thread.

Sarah Harding‘s debut solo single has arrived in the form of “Threads,” co-penned alongside Ben Cullum and Julie Thompson — and sadly, it’s a prime example of what would have happened had a string in the Aloud machine finally snapped.

Hardcore Harding is the final Aloud to debut as a solo artist ever since our lives got cold many years ago — which we’re not talking about. And, honestly, you would think with the yell-y genius of some her best moments (“HERE I AM…WALKING PRIMROSE“) — and even her bum note-iest moments — that she’d be packing something more savory with her own solo career.

Granted, there are the slightest of hints of that Aloud irreverent lyrical snappiness and shape-shifting pop styling in “Threads,” and maybe even some of the spunk leftover from Sarah’s contributions to the St. Trinian’s soundtrack. But for the most part…it’s a pure, underprepared (or perhaps overcooked?) mess.

Whoa-oh-oh-oh.” No, no, no! What a strange and unpleasant chorus. And that outrageous use of Auto-Tune? Heidi Montag would never.

Kudos to Sarah for attempting to get wild with a “rock-tinged” Round One. But it’s no “Beat Of My Drum.” (THEN AGAIN, WHAT IS?) Nor is it a “Fight For This Love”and certainly not an “Insatiable.” Sadly, it’s not even a “Like U Like.”

It’s just…a meh.

Short-term solution? See if Brian Higgins will return a call.

Long-term? Tell Chezza and Nuhdeen to cut the shit already, hug it out and get on with continued girl group domination for the next ten to eighty years. Nothing in this world has felt the same since.

GOD, I MISS ‘EM.

aloud-tongue