Last night was the 54th Annual Grammy Awards! Or was it the 2012 CMT Music Awards? I literally couldn’t tell, what with all the banjos, geetars and all that.
No, it was The Grammys! A time when the industry comes together to honor REAL music! A time to dress tastefully and bring a bishop as a date! A time when Jennifer Hudson sings half of a Whitney Houston song while Chris Brown gets two whole performances and a Grammy! Yes! Music finally wins!
Mercifully, Adele rightfully won in all six of her major categories: Pop Vocal Album, Best Pop Solo Vocal Performance, Short Form Music Video, Record Of The Year, and Song Of The Year, and Album Of The Year. (Okay, the music video win was a bit “Really though?”, but…you know, whatever.)
All in all, that shit was as cray as usual. Here are nine moments worth your time. There were more, but, like…I’m tired. You know?
9.) Someone Like Chew
The Holy Spearit‘s Femme Fatale may been gone unjustly snubbed at this year’s Grammys (as with every year, fuck The Industry and The Man), but her presence still made its way into the ceremony: Take for instance Adele’s first acceptance speech, during which she gamely gnawed at her gum in true Brit Brit fashion.
Like My Queen would say: “What’s a sombrero, y’all? Fuck an award show! My babies are my religion.”
8.) My Life On The E-List
Is that you playing guitar with Bruce Springstreen, Kathy Griffin?
7.) Part of Me (And Lady Gaga)
Y’all know I absolutely cannot with Katy Perry (except for her new (old) single right now, which I sort of love.)
But really, Gaga had to be pissed: That performance was nothing more than a 2009 American Music Awards “Speechless”/”Bad Romance”-biting moment of “Eh, it’s a bit of alright” lukewarm fire ‘n’ glass fuckery, as styled by “The Edge Of Glory.”
For me, it feels…reductive.
6.) Remain flaw-free, Kelly. Remain.
Oh, look! It’s just Kelly Clarkson being flawless again.
Stepping out on stage to join Jason Aldean for their country collabo “Don’t You Wanna Stay?”, Clarkson looked glamorous, sounded absolutely gorgeous, and delivered as a professional to boot: When Aldean’s mic suddenly cut out at the end of the song during what should have been a powerful finish for both, Clarkson locks eyes, smiles comfortingly and belts out her finishing notes, carrying out the song to a close perfectly well on her own.
A true class act.
5.) Everything and the kitchen sink.
Nicki Minaj is like a Barbie Doll born of the post-YouTube generation–more is more (and more more is even more!!1!), so when she took to the stage to perform her new song “Roman Holiday,” it was a given that we’d be mind-fucked to oblivion.
God forbid you’d like a moment to think, breathe or process anything because she’s already screaming into a priest’s ear and then we’re in a video montage and then ROMAN! and now we’re watching Lady Gaga’s 2009 “Paparazzi” VMA routine–just kidding we’re still in 2012–and then we’re watching Madonna‘s 1990 “Vogue” VMA performance–just kidding, we’re still in 2012–and then “Oh Come, All Ye Faithful” and OH OKAY, NOW SHE’S LEVITATING.
I love(d?) Nicki, and the song’s sort of fine, but the cartoon character she’s become is insufferable: It’s childish. It’s over-the-top (in the most boring of ways), and as my friend Prophet pointed out, it’s so transparently Gaga.
RIP Mixtape Minaj.
4.) We Found A Good Pop Performance In A Hopeless Place
Life-giving. Electrifying. Pulse-raising. Those are just a few adjectives used to describe a defibrillator.
But they’re also the only way one could only ever accurately describe Illuminati Navy Thug Life Princess RiRi‘s performance of “We Found Love” last evening.
Serving Tina Turner/Michelle Pfeiffer Scarface realness, the sexed-up Barbadian blonde bombshell writhed, rocked and rolled around the stage to her chart-smashing #1 “We Found Love,” delivering L-I-V-E vocals and flaming hot choreography that surely silenced at least one to ten haters unscrewing the tops of their haterade for the performance.
Afterward, Lady R stood with Coldplay‘s Chris Martin for an acoustic take on their collaboration, “Princess of China.” While I would have liked to hear the more robust album version, it was still a treat to watch the two eye-fuck on stage.
By the end, the crowd went wild, I went straight, and nobody was safe from the merciless slaying of Ri.
3.) The Triumphant Return
Yes, we’ve seen her sing it a million times at a million different places, but this time was different: Last night was Adele’s first post-surgery performance, at the biggest music event in the world. Could she pull it off?
Well, of course she did–flawlessly and more confident than ever, delivering gigantic notes and demonstrating unbelievable restraint and control as pop lady in the building went scurrying down the aisle desperately trying to chase after their wigs.
It was a grand, triumphant return and a declaration of talent: THIS is why 21 won every award of the night. Earned victory.
2.) We Will Always Love You Too, Whitney
While the honor might have been more properly bestowed on a more seasoned industry veteran or close friend–say Mariah Carey, Dolly Parton or Chaka Khan—Jennifer Hudson bravely took to task to deliver a performance of Whitney Houston‘s iconic rendition of “I Will Always Love You” to a completely silent, pitch dark venue.
She nails every note, chills and tears abound: Poignant, cathartic, sad and celebratory all at once.
1.) Who’s That Girl?
Lezbihonest: This was everything.
With no foreseeable Born This Way Grammy in sight against the Almighty Adele, the ever crafty Mademoiselle Gaga found–err, subtler ways to casually slip herself into the situation, serving Evil Eye realness behind Kitty Purry (which briefly won her my unconditional love for a hot minute) and executing a “Oh, me? Just stretching my metallic shoulders!” move behind Miranda Lambert.
Seriously–a bitch was hungry for that camera.
Look: Mother Monster did not meld down her 2010 Grammy Awards, a few Little Monsters and several pairs of Hot Topic fishnets for that Metallo-Vampyr look (sponsored by Logan Farms Honey Glazed Ham) to have some bewigged bimbos steal her already stolen routines.
Gaga, Queen of Photo Bombing.
Your faves could quite literally never–because if they did, Gaga would be right behind them delivering a glare that reads “I will kill you and wear you at next year’s ceremony.”
Let’s see if she makes good on that promise. See you in 2013, Grammys!