legendtina-hunger-games

“How’re you feeling now, Fatam Levine?” the blonde-bobbed “Bobblehead” beauty bellows into the dark abyss deep within the lair’s dungeon.

Legendtina looks down at the ground and smirks at the rusty bucket packed full with unsold copies of Bionic. She kneels down, grabs hold of the rope, rises up with lotus-like precision and, with one petite punt of her Louboutin, sends the bucket flying down into the shaft until it lands with a dull thud.

The voice within cries out for help. “Please!” he pleads painfully. “It was just a joke!

“Was it?” she mockingly sing-songs. “So is your career. IT PUTS THE CHRISTINA AGUILERA: ROYAL DESIRE INTO THE BASKET!”

Suddenly, an 8-bit ringtone version of “Your Body” begins to sound. The pink LG Lotus stuffed into her studded metal diaper vibrates. A call? At this hour? “I’m sorry, I’ve got to take this,” she purrs as she begins sliding a heavy stone over the mouth of the well.

“Remember to rise up, lotus…rise!” she offers, her voice barely audible above his screams.

TheRing-trailer_03

Back upstairs, she picks up the call. “Hello, this is — I think you already know my name. SAY!” she yelps into the receiver, twirling into the kitchen for a brief Bits ‘N Pieces snack break.

“Hello there,” an executive-sounding voice responds. I was wondering if you were free for a minute to talk about The Hunger —”

“No thanks,” she interrupts, looking over her shoulder at the fridge. She spots the photo hanging up by a Mi Reflejo promotional magnet: A group of impoverished children bowing at her feet as she stands before them, hoisting a Taco Bell bag high above their heads. She nods warmly, remembering that legendary visit to Africa — and the subtle “Light Up The Sky” #LotusPromo she managed to squeeze in while the editors were away at lunch. “I’m already a true lover of charity.”

“No! Not that. Not charity,” the voice hurriedly responds. “Trust me — I know you’ve already cornered that market. We’re looking for someone to record a song for the soundtrack of our movie.”

legendtina-phone

“A movie?” she hisses. “What’s it even about? It better not be those fucking Smurfs.”

He chuckles for a minute. “It’s a far cry from The Smurfs — I can tell you that! Have you ever seen Battle Royale? The Japanese movie from 2000?”

“Um…no,” she shrugs. “Have you ever seen my iconic 1999 NHK performance of “Genie In A Bottle,” or my Japan Gold Disk Award-winning 2012 film, Burlesque?”

“I…uh — I mean, I, um, obviously. Yes I have. Anyway, it’s basically a rip-off of that movie. It’s about this insanely fucked-up futuristic society that chooses a random boy and girl from each district to fight to the death in the middle of an arena until only one is left standing. To the death. It’s like if everyone in the Big Brother house was given a lethal weapon.”

christina_aguilera_keeps_gettin_better001

Legendtina closes her eyes. She imagines herself somewhere deep in the Desnudate Desert, surrounded by lessers. She begins to imagine how the battle would play out: A booby trap net that sends Lorde hurtling directly into a cactus. A spear penetrating Miley Cyrus‘ ass mid-twerk. A fatal blow to Katy Perry‘s head with the deluxe edition of Back To Basics. She envisions all of the fans applauding and screaming her name as a vulture pecks at Lady Gaga‘s eyeball. A smile forms across her face.

“Basically,” the voice continues, breaking Legendtina’s concentration. “We need a powerhouse diva to sing a song about perseverance, or whatever feel-good bullshit sells on the radio these days. And since we couldn’t get Adel —”

SAY! no more,” she declares. “Ain’t no other man — or woman for the job, of course. HA! I’ll do it…for the fans.”

“Right. Great. Well, we can’t wait to hear it,” he responds.

“You’re welcome. Oh, and just one more thing,” she says, pausing to feel this moment for a moment.

“May the lotus be ever in your favor.”

A cackle rings out across the Hollywood Hills. Let the games begin.

Legendtina is an ongoing fan-fiction series — and if you don’t like it, fuck you.