"Check Yourself": Paula Abdul Returns With An Uptempo Breast Cancer Awareness Anthem

Brace yourselves, because your girl (forever) is back. Queen Paula Abdul hasn't properly released new music since she dropped her version of Kylie Minogue's unreleased Body Language smash demo in 2009, "I'm Just Here For The Music." And, of course, there was her Randy Jackson-assisted comeback…


Nicole Scherzinger Was Booted From X Factor, Here Are 5 Better Candidates for A New Judge

SHOCKING NEWS. In what will surely rock the world of exactly one housewife in Minnesota and literally nobody else, Nicole Scherzinger was unexpectedly ousted from her position as judge on US X Factor this evening. From E! Online: "She wants to focus on her music career," a source said. "She's…


Kelly Clarkson Channels her "Dark Side" on Latest Leak

I like my Kelly Clarkson the way French people like their steak: raw, bloody, and vulnerable. Let’s face it: she releases her best material when Clive Davis isn’t acting like Mary fucking Poppins and trying to force spoonfuls of sugar down her throat. He is to her what Sam Lutfi was to Britney…


Cheryl Cole Reportedly Booted from US X Factor, Renders Entire Upcoming Season Irrelevant

SO MUCH FUCKERY ABOUND. Yesterday, TMZ broke the news that Cheryl Cole has reportedly been ousted from her seat as a judge on the upcoming series debut of US X Factor. Her spot will soon be filled by the show's current co-host, Nicole Schizzlesnapper. Um...EXCUU ME? Now, as gossip sites bicker…


The First US X Factor Promo is as Dramatic as You Hoped It Would Be

INSERT DAMNING CHOIR CHANTS HERE. Check out the first promo commercial for the ridiculously hyped, massively anticipated premiere of US X Factor. It includes Simon! And Paula! And L.A. Reid! And Scherzy Baby! A brief flash of The Almighty Lloyd! Anyone can audition! $5 million prize! It's all…


It's A Hard Knock Lloyd: A Very Thorough X Factor Performance Night Review (October 16)

So, since so many of my Muusers (three actual requests) have been demanding that I do a weekly wrap-up of the X Factor performance night. I've decided to fulfill those wishes/dreams/desires. The show was boring in spots, so I've decided to highlight only the moments I had things to say about.…


Songs About Shoes: A Taste of The Sirens' Upcoming Single, "Stilettos"

Meet (the) Sirens, a girl group from Newcastle, England. You've probably never heard of them, but maybe you have. The sirens of Sirens have actually been around ever since 2003, although their music has never really struck a chord with the general public. In fact, their greatest chart success was…


Guest Performances On American Idol: May 12

WOW. Well done, Jordin Sparks and Ryan Tedder (or, as Paula Abdul's Twitter would have you believe, "Jordan Sparks and Ryan Tetter"). You did the damn song. "Battlefield" (which is, again, "Halo" plus "Impossible" plus..."My God Is An Awesome God") is going to be huge all over the radio this…


Paula Abdul: Just Here For The Relevancy

And now, Paula Abdul performing Kylie Minogue's her upcoming single "live" on American Idol, "Here For The Music" (AND YES I KNOW AS A BRITNEY FAN I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE CLEVER AND JUDGE HER FOR LIP-SYNCING, BUT THE OBVIOUSNESS OF THE AUTO-TUNE IN THIS PERFORMANCE IS JUST PLAIN SILLY TO ME, THANK…


Paula Abdul: Continuing To Mooch The Minogue

Paula Abdul has a new single coming out, and literally no one cares. I wouldn't either, except when I heard the single title: "Here For The Music," which sounds curiously like the Kylie Minogue reject track, "I'm Just Here For The Music." Knowing that the Forever Your Flop Queen already attempted…


Paula Abdul Is Ruining My Good Time.

Well, if this isn't just the way to start 2009 on the wrong foot. All it took was one panicked email and a link to Paula Abdul's official website to get me feeling the final pangs of the holiday blues. It seems that, out of nowhere, the frequently dopey American Idol dimwit has gotten her mitts…


On Trains.

A heap load of apologies is owed to the millions of my dearest, darling readers for the severe lack of updates lately. You see, I was due to arrive back home last night around 9 P.M., but my train's engine decided to go a bit menstrual, unfortunately causing what the conductor referred to as "a…